Your Mind Your Body

Disciplining children is a fundamental factor in determining the ease in which a household operates. Children and teens have always ‘tested the waters’ to see how far they can get.  However, it seems that today, parents are simply unwilling to say ‘no.’ Some adults appear quite eager to be their child’s best friend which can lead to a role reversal in the family and loss of authority by the parent. Rather than taking steps to always be liked, it is essential that parents take steps to be respected. This will lead to a healthier relationship with your child(ren) by which everyday activities can be resolved with less confusion and chaos, and where children feel protected by your parenting and guidance.

Here are some general guidelines for parents:

Calmly state your expectations and be clear about household rules

Children are more likely to comply with your rules if they are presented when you are not upset and voiced in a positive manner. Avoid threatening them in an attempt to gain control. A threat raises everyone’s stress and is not as effective as remaining calm and in control, while being clear about expectations.

Follow through with the limits you have set

Limits will provide structure and the children will learn to respect the consequences of broken rules or unmet expectations. Consequences sometimes have to change if they are not working, but every inappropriate behavior should be met with a clear and consistent consequence.

Be aware of your children’s individual differences and needs

Each child is unique; therefore the consequences and goals for your children may need to be individualized. Some parents may compare their child to other children in an attempt to motivate them.  A better approach would be to talk to your child about their qualities and what could be improved or maintained based on their past behaviors.

Catch them behaving well

Often as parents we turn our attention to our children when they are misbehaving, forgetting that it is just as important to praise their good behavior. Be aware of moments when you can reward their positive actions. They will feel proud of themselves and they will notice that you are paying attention.

Discipline is mostly about the way a parent chooses to approach their children and the rules that guide the household activities. If parents are consistent and work at achieving effective discipline and limit setting, positive changes are bound to occur. Children need parents that can be firm and guide them appropriately with love, respect, and consistency. Remember that sometimes the best way to say “I love you” is just to say “no.”

Photo via microsoft.com

Special thanks to Taylor Brokaw, psychology student at the University of Georgia, for her contributions to this article.

Filed under: Children, Lifestyle & Behaviors, Parenting, Relationships, Stress, Women | 2 Comments »

A recent blog post from a pediatrician, which was also mentioned on the New York Times’ “Motherlode” blog, addressed the question “What do I do if my chubby kids say they are hungry?” Dr. Meeker raised some valid points in her post— it’s important to set limits on screen time and food choices and we need to provide easy access to healthy foods, among other things.

However, some of Dr. Meeker’s suggestions may mislead parents in how to talk to their children about feelings of hunger. How we talk to our kids about hunger and help them understand it is not as simple as one may think. In fact, more harm than good might happen when people charge in and take total control over a child’s hunger without considering the child’s feelings, self-esteem or how the child thinks of herself.

Firstly, it’s important that ALL children understand hunger and the reasons we eat. In her post, Dr. Meeker focused the attention of hunger in the “chubby” ones.  (I hesitate to even type that word.)

This isn’t just a “chubby” kids’ issue. (Again, I cringe at typing that word.) This is an issue for all children. Not all children begin life overweight. Some have a decent metabolism and are active, but then they get older they may gain weight for many reasons like not moving enough and developing poor eating habits. Some start short and carry extra weight and then loose it after a growth spurt. Still others have physical or biological factors that contribute to their weight and size.

For all of these children, the similarity is they will experience “hunger” of some kind and need your help sorting out how to respond.

Secondly, validation of a child’s physical symptoms is important because they need to understand and respond appropriately to hunger. Among her recommendations, Dr. Meeker suggests telling the child to just let it go or learn that feeling hungry is just a part of life.

She writes:

“We can determine whether or not our kids are really hungry. All kids get the sensation they are hungry all day long, so take a hard look at your child’s weight. If she’s chubby, tell her that her hunger will go away and that feeling her stomach growl is just part of life. She perceives hunger as a problem, so tell her that it isn’t. It is trainable. She can make it go away by not eating until dinner time.”

But here’s the concern with that recommendation: If a child expresses a feeling that she is having and you tell her that her feeling is not OK or that it’s “just a part of life,” you invalidate that feeling or sensation. When children have their feelings invalidated,  it can lead them to mistrust their own emotions. That can then stop them from learning how to regulate their emotions, which is extremely important in successfully managing their lives, especially when stressed.

How can hunger feelings be dealt with? One option I’ve seen is caregivers restricting their children’s diet. But this often doesn’t work and it doesn’t teach children how to listen to their body and their feelings of hunger. When diets are restricted, the children still get food. They sneak it, hide it or lie about what they are eating. They still gain weight because they are concerned that when they are hungry, they won’t be allowed to eat. Food cannot be forbidden because guess what? That is all they will think about.

So. What do you do when children say they are hungry and it’s not meal time?

Talk to your children and pay attention to what they’re doing. Engage your son and daughters in problem-solving to determine if they are really hungry or experiencing something else. You could say, “Well, let’s see what your body might be telling you.”

If your child just ate, you could explain digestion and how this might be a sign that the body is digesting food. You can explain that our body needs a certain period of time to digest and no longer feel hungry. Or sometimes, when we think we are hungry, we are actually thirsty for water. Perhaps that is what the child really needs.

Suggest that if the child still feels hungry after waiting out the time needed to digest, he can select a healthy option like a fruit, vegetable or a small amount of almonds. This prevents your child from feeling as if he is being deprived.

Talk about food and hunger before children say they are hungry.  One of the things I help parents and kids develop together is a snack list. They work together to set limits on the kinds of snacks and sizes that are allowed. This works because the child knows they are in control of their food and eating. I have yet to see a child overeat apples, carrots or yogurts. Have you?

I like to tell kids that their body is their vehicle to the future. They need to take really great care of their “car” so it doesn’t break down and get in the way of their dreams. This is an example of encouraging  motivation, empowerment and achievement of life’s goals beyond food.

Food is necessary to life so we need to educate without judgment. When you partner with your kids to make eating a pleasant and enjoyable experience, it allows children to truly nourish their body and grow their mind.

Photos by Bruce Tuten and kali-ma (via flickr)

Filed under: Children, Lifestyle & Behaviors, Parenting, Weight Issues | 4 Comments »

On Tuesday, August 3, 2010, Omar Thornton kissed his girlfriend goodbye, told her he loved her and headed to work. Within hours, he had shot eight innocent people and then killed himself, creating the largest mass shooting in Connecticut.

People want to know why this happened and could it have been prevented.  At this time, it’s difficult to make sense of what happened or why.

According to news reports, Thornton was shown a video in which he was shown stealing beer from the company, a beer wholesaler. Thornton agreed to resign, and then just “pulled out a gun and began blasting,” said an employee of the family-owned business.

There is no real logic behind this kind of act. Family, friends and total strangers are struggling to cope with this tragedy.  For many, this will be a long and difficult road–not only for the people in the Connecticut community where the shooting occurred, but for people all over the country. Our sense of safety was once again shattered in a few short minutes.

As we go through the process of understanding, healing, and maybe learning how to prevent these horrible tragedies, there are several things that can help us to go on with our lives.  The American Psychological Association  recommends that you:

• Talk about the incident with friends and colleagues.
• Strive for balance. While it may seem that the world is just falling apart, it is important to remember that there are so many good people and things in this world. They just aren’t publicized as often.
• Turn off TV and take a break. Keep informed but try to limit the amount of news you take in. Being overexposed actually increases your stress. And remember, young kids may think that shootings are continuing to happen.
• Accept your feelings. People experience all kinds of emotions after a tragedy. Sadness, anger frustration and even exhaustion are all normal.
• Take care of yourself and your family. Eating well, exercising and getting plenty of rest really do help us get through each day and move forward.
• Reach out and help others. This really can make you feel better. 
• Learn about the process of grief. Grief is a long process. Even if you have not lost someone in the most recent tragedy, hearing about tragedies can trigger sad feelings about other losses you have experienced.
• Ask for help. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by your emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings and  find ways to get back on track.

Some violence can be prevented. Learning the warning signs of impending violence both at home and at work and knowing who to contact for help can make us feel safer.  Learning and teaching our children healthy ways of coping with stress may also help us prevent future episodes of violence.

Photo by wvs via Flickr.

Filed under: Lifestyle & Behaviors, Resilience, Stress, Work/Life | No Comments »