My daughter was asked to be an altar server at the annual mass for all those who died in my parish in the past year, and I decided to go with her without giving it much thought. I attended several funerals this year for family members of friends and acquaintances, and when I arrived, I saw many familiar faces.

There was a friend who lost his mom and his dad within weeks of each other. There was a classmate of my daughter whose father died over the summer—in attendance with her mother, brother and sister. A palpable sadness stirred among the attendees when this young family approached the front of the church together. Several others that I knew, and a host of others that I didn’t, lit a candle when the names of their loved ones were called.

One older gentleman, whose face I recognized but whose name I didn’t know, lit candles for three different people, the last time returning with tears in his eyes. Other names were read with no family in attendance. I’m sure we all prayed for those folks. I found myself remembering a similar service I attended more than 20 years ago at the hospital where my mother died, and I began to cry. I cried mostly just seeing the tears of others, but also as I recalled the real sense of loss I felt at age 17 and for years after.

In those years since, experiencing more losses and eventually working with many people grieving many kinds of losses, I’ve come to believe some things about grief that I sometimes offer to people I see in counseling.

We all experience loss

First, and I was so aware of this tonight, we all experience pain and loss. No one is immune. To be sure, some tragedies are hard to imagine, but in general, most of us can relate to the pain and emptiness of a loved one’s death. And for the most part, we survive it. I don’t often lead with this realization when working with someone’s “fresh” grief, but the expectation that they will survive allows me to more easily walk the journey with them. Knowing that the intensity of grief fades (and sometimes returns and fades again), and that life resumes, helps us to be there when another person needs us.

Grief is a process

Secondly, I see grief as a very active and tangible process. I find myself talking to people about the usefulness of pictures, keepsakes, and stories—not to make their loved ones into heroes that had no flaws—but simply to remember and honor the shared life experience. It is so common that these practices result in tears and/or laughter, each of which help to heal, and can be real signs of living through the loss.

Take time to remember

Related to this idea of being active, I encourage people to attempt putting some boundaries around the process. The best I can describe it to them is to move in and out of grief, taking some time intentionally to remember their loved one—possibly by writing a letter or looking at some pictures—and then to get on with life. Such a practice helps them to see that grief is real and valuable and does not have to be overwhelming.

Of course, no one is in perfect control of the process, nor should they be. Most of my healing tears have come from spontaneous memories prompted by a song or an event, like at the service tonight. I realized years ago that I could be grateful for the tears because they reminded me just how much each of those lost loved ones meant to me—may they rest in peace.

Photo by L.C.Nøttaasen (via flickr).

My mother-in-law is 97 years old. She was born in Italy and moved to the United States when she was 6. She has always been a homebody. She cooked, cleaned and took care of her family. And boy did she cook. Pasta was truly home made. Her fresh baked rolls, bracciolini, ravioli, squash blossoms and risotto were to die for! She rarely sat down. After her husband died, she moved in with her sister and ultimately became her older sister’s caretaker. This continued until she was in her late 80’s and her sister was in her early 90’s.

After she, herself, turned 90 she began to need  help for herself. She moved away from her home and friends and moved in with my sister-in-law who lives in another state. This took some adjustment (for both of them), of course. I think it is always a bit difficult to take two people who are used to running their homes in a certain way and ask them to change how they do things.  I recall my sister-in-law’s frustration when Mom would become upset she was using paper plates for a quick lunch. After all, she had lived through the Great Depression…paper plates were a waste of money.

As my mother-in-law has become more frail, she would tell us she was simply waiting for the grim reaper to come and take her. She became too tired to even read. Her hearing has failed and conversation was difficult, especially with multiple people in a room talking. We have talked about what she wants to happen when she dies. This was really important for all of us. We hoped that when her time came, she would simply die peacefully at home. But, unfortunately she had a mild stroke, fell and had to be hospitalized. She developed pneumonia, and although she survived all of that, she could no longer be cared for at home.

Within a week, she had left her home, spent hours in an emergency room, a few days in a hospital and then changed rooms three times in the nursing home before she was finally settled. There were days she didn’t know who we were or where she was.

The other day I brought her chicken soup and matzo balls. (Yes we have that whole Jewish/Italian thing in our family). When she was awake, her mind was clear. Maybe that is the hardest part. She knows what is happening. She knows where she is. She really wants to go home…not just back to my sister-in-law’s, but to her final home.  She is more than ready to go. She doesn’t like being helpless and just waiting for her life to end. I could see the sadness in her eyes. We held hands, watched some football and a cooking show together for a short while and I promised her jelly donuts the next time I come to see her. She smiled and told me I could go home as she was ready to go to sleep for the night. I know she wants to sleep forever. As humans, when we get to this point in life, we have to wait and wait. We don’t make our pets do this. We help them leave this world peacefully and with dignity.

Death is a hard topic to discuss. There is so much we don’t understand. But talking helps us prepare. What are your thoughts?

photo by LZ Creations

Early-onset dementia is a rare form of the disorder where the onset of the cognitive symptoms begins before the age of 65. It has been estimated that less than 5 percent of all those who have a dementia diagnosis fall into this category. Most who are diagnosed are in their 50s, although there have been documented cases of people in their 30s and 40s with the disease.

Early-onset dementia has a unique set problems: Those receiving the diagnosis at a younger age are often still in careers, have younger children, and can have difficulty finding support services for which they are eligible. In order to maximize a person’s ability to participate in normal daily activities, as well as take full advantage of the treatments available, early identification remains a priority.

Obtaining an accurate diagnosis of the disease, however, can be challenging. Many health care professionals consider dementia to be exclusive to older adults, and therefore the signs and symptoms of the early-onset variant are often misdiagnosed. Further complicating the matter is that the symptoms of early-onset dementia can vary, with memory loss not always being the most notable symptom initially. Personality changes, altered judgment, difficulty with problem-solving, or increased confusion in familiar tasks are only a few examples of the cognitive changes that can be observed.

When she made her diagnosis public, Coach Summit voiced her determination to continue coaching and to fight the disease. In doing so, she has given countless others with the disease a reason to fight.

It is worth noting that Coach Summit spoke clearly about her intention to use her support system to help cope with the challenges ahead. The importance of having the support of friends and loved ones cannot be overstated. Understanding that you are not alone and that support is available is often the first step to healthy coping.

If you have concerns about your cognitive health, or that of a loved one, it is important to talk to a physician or mental health professional who specializes in these types of medical issues. The only way to determine whether memory changes are related to normal aging, or possibly a more serious condition, is to be evaluated. Psychologists offer a number of tests that can help identify dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

For more information, please visit any of the other blog entries on aging, or view the helpful information on websites for the Alzheimer’s Association and the Mayo Clinic.

Photos by aaronisnotcool and Tennessee Journalist (via Flickr)

In an ongoing effort to improve public awareness on this issue, several groups have joined together to promote National Senior Health and Fitness Day. This event helps keep older adults healthy and fit by encouraging more active lifestyles. Fitness for older adults does not have to be physically demanding or complicated, and the benefits from these types of activities can be far-reaching.

There are several websites that can help you take the first steps in establishing a healthier lifestyle. The National Institute on Aging offers information on the psychological and physical benefits of maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention outlines several ways to incorporate exercise into your daily schedule.

And please remember, any change that promotes a healthier lifestyle is a good one.

Photo by Krxtopher (via Flickr)

We look forward to reading — and sharing — your posts tomorrow. Who knows what kind of difference it can make in educating more people and changing perceptions and views about what it means to live a healthy life.

If you’re participating in the event, be sure we know about it. Here’s how you can let us know:

• Use the blog badge code (it helps us to track links)
• Post your link in the comments of this blog post.
• Send an email to blogparty@yourmindyourbody.org
• Mention it to @APAHelpCenter on Twitter. Use #mhblogday as a hashtag (mental health blog day, naturally)
• Add your link to our update on APA’s Facebook page (we’ll post a status update tomorrow morning, so you can start commenting and adding links.)

We’ll be updating our blog throughout the day with your links and posts. And if you write something late on Wednesday night, that’s OK too. We’ll share it on Thursday morning.

Thanks for joining us again this year. Words can change lives — let’s see how many we can change in one day.