When accidents happen, it’s important to talk to kids honestly about what has occurred.

Graphic and detailed information is typically not needed. Brief, accurate, and age-appropriate information can be provided, followed by lots of time for questions and discussion about kids’ thoughts about the incident.

An example might be: “Mrs. Jones was in a bike accident.  She fell from her bike and hurt her neck and broke her leg. When we see her next week she will have a few bandages on her face, a cast on her leg and will be using crutches.”

This might be followed by something like this: “You know, accidents happen.  So that’s why we wear bike helmets and ride on the sidewalks.”

Some other things to be aware of:

• Some kids won’t seem to care about the person who has experienced the trauma.  That’s OK, we all deal with things differently.  They may show concern at a later time, or not at all.
• Kids may become very concerned about their own safety and the safety of their loved ones. For example, in the above case a child might be nervous to ride their own bike following the trauma. Brief re-assurance and a review of safety precautions (helmets, etc) are appropriate.
• Children who have a history of trauma may have a particularly hard time when a new trauma arises, even if it doesn’t concern them directly. In this case, providing extra time for open-ended discussion about the past and current trauma is important.
• Kids who show symptoms of depression or anxiety may benefit from talking to a mental health professional, including a school counselor or psychologist. Symptoms might include, difficulty sleeping, lack of interest in previously pleasurable activities, increased tearfulness, and isolation/withdraw.  Kids might also complain of physical ailments like stomach and headaches.

Photo by mikemcilveen (via Flickr)

The media is on fire with discussions about the Penn State University sexual abuse unfolding before our eyes in central Pennsylvania. While we don’t know the outcome of this story yet, we do know that child sexual abuse happens everyday. While difficult for most of us to talk about, it’s something that we should all be aware of, actively trying to prevent, and educating our children about.

As we are learning through the case at Penn State, it is critical that suspicions of child abuse be reported to the proper authorities. While making a phone call (to the police department, 911, or local child protection agency) to report abuse can feel embarrassing and uncomfortable, it is crucial that law enforcement have as much information as possible.

Some facts about childhood sexual abuse:

•  Most children are abused by someone they know and trust; boys are more likely than girls to be abused outside of the family.
• Some CDC research has estimated that approximately 1-in-6 boys and 1-in-4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18.
• Most mental health and child protection professionals agree that child sexual abuse is not uncommon and is a serious problem in the United States.

If you have family members of friends dealing with the pain of childhood sexual abuse, there are many resources available, including:

• American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (312) 554-0166
• National Center for Missing and Exploited Children 24-hour hotline: 1-800-THE-LOST
• Child Help USA (1-800) 4-A-CHILD  
• Prevent Child Abuse America  (1-800) CHILDREN  
• Child Welfare Information Gateway (formerly National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information) (1-800) 394-3366

Fore more thoughts on how to help families learn from the situation at Penn State, check out my post on Dr. Stephanie

Photo by .Dianna. (via flickr)

• Are mornings too chaotic? Although it is not uncommon for parents to say that school mornings are often frantic and hectic, it might be useful to assess what would make them less so. Identify what might be the source of the primary stress and seek alternatives solutions. For example, if the kids take too long to get ready, you can get them up earlier, have them pick out their clothes the night before, or get them to bed earlier so that they are ready to get going in the morning.
• Are you over-scheduled? It is okay to limit the number of extracurricular activities your kids are involved in, especially if you have more than one child. You can have them choose one after school activity (sport, class) that they can do and enjoy. They might get more out of being involved in one after school activity they enjoy rather than several activities that they may dread doing.  And, as a parent, you might be more present and less overwhelmed if you do not have to run around along with them.
• Are electronics turned off long before bedtime? Studies have shown that kids’ brains need time to turn off before they can fall asleep after playing video games or watching TV. To make sure they are getting the rest they need, establish a bedtime routine that includes no video games, online activity, game playing on their phones, or TV viewing for at least one hour before bedtime. Lack of good sleep can lead to less cooperative behaviors the next day and difficulties at school.

Ultimately, our job as parents is to help our children make good choices and develop life skills that will guide them for life. It is never too early to get started on good habits and to learn how to prioritize.  We can be their best tutor—by modeling.

Photo via: FreeFoto.com

I can’t believe I am saying this. But, it is almost time for the kids to go back to school. While I don’t want to shorten anyone’s summer vacation, there are a few things that are important to consider in order to make the transition back to school a bit easier.

1. Most kids have been staying up a lot later in the summer than they do during the school year. Start moving bedtimes back in ½ hour increments at least one week before school starts.
2. Since kids probably have also been sleeping later in the morning, start waking them up earlier as well.
3. Do a quick review of some reading and math from the previous school year.
4. Think Safety! Parenting expert Shannon Eis points out that many kids don’t know their street address or phone number. Be sure to review these with younger children.
5. If your child will be starting a new school, find out if you and your child can take a tour before classes begin.
6. If you have your list of needed school supplies, start shopping now. Many kids find picking out their new pencils, crayons and backpacks to be a lot of fun and something that gets them excited about going back to school.
7. Try to get back on a regular mealtime schedule. And make sure your kids are eating breakfast.
8. Talk with your children about after school schedules. Depending on the number of children you have, let them pick one or two after school activities. Keep in mind that kids who eat dinner with their family on a regular basis have a significantly lower rate of alcohol and drug abuse.
9. Make sure after school care and babysitters are secured.
10. And finally…if you believe your child was previously having school difficulties, either academic or behavioral, and nothing really was done to resolve the issues, consider going to school within the first week to try to get the ball rolling. Find out what services your school offers.  If not already in place, ask about a psychological evaluation, a 504 plan or an individual educational plan (IEP) if your child has been diagnosed with a condition such as ADHD or has other special needs that can affect his/her learning. School psychologists are overwhelmed with the numbers of children they have to evaluate. So, get started early to help make sure your child gets the appropriate support services.

photo by Lovebird Lady via Flickr

Sometimes the outcome is positive: The parent confronts the teen and usually treatment or drug rehabilitation follows.  And sometimes, the result is feelings of betrayal of trust on both sides. The parent feels that the teen can’t be trusted; the teen is usually furious over having been found out.

The question of whether parents should “spy” on their children is not part of the operating manual for raising today’s digitally connected generation. And it’s not an entirely new dilemma. Even before the increase of technology,  Facebook, cell phones, and instant messaging, there were diaries hidden in drawers. And shoeboxes of contraband stored in closet corners. And even then, parents and their children experienced conflict.

In a recent interview I did with CBS News, I was asked what advice I might give parents to help them deal with their worries about their kids. Not all the advice I provided got into the segment. So, I decided to share what I would have communicated had there been enough time.

Here are some things to consider about spying on your children:

• Every day we read, watch and hear about how dangerous the world seems to have become.  Parents are very worried about how to protect their children from what they see as a very dangerous world, e.g., Internet crime, bullying, suicide, sexual predators, social networking sites and drug abuse.
• The cornerstone of the parent-child relationship rests on a foundation of trust. Nevertheless, there are times when parents need to be able to verify that trust, especially when they suspect their teens may be involved in dangerous activities or unaware of the dangers they face.
•  One of the toughest issues for parents is trying to strike a  balance between monitoring their kid’s safety while also providing them with opportunities to learn from their experiences and make wise choices.
• Secretly installed “spyware” can be a problem because children and teens are often miles ahead of their parents technically. Despite sophisticated monitoring equipment, kids can outsmart the very technology that they perceive as entrapping them.
• Young people’s brains are not fully matured, and kids tend to minimize risks and feel invincible. You need to help your children perceive danger accurately by teaching them the appropriate and realistic risks both in real life and online.
• Teenage behavior requires boundaries and monitoring by responsible adults. Parents need to stay informed of their teen’s activities and friends. Laws exist to define an age for drinking alcohol and an age for a driver’s license, but there is no agreed-upon date when kids can safely go online solo.

So what can a responsible parent to do regarding “spying”?

•  There is no substitute for having a good relationship with your children at any age. You are not their peers, and you need to set a clear example of maturity and leadership. Be interested in your teens’ lives, offer sound advice and keep the flow of communication open.  
• Keep your eyes and ears open.  This will help you be better able to spot a problem early on.
• If you are determined to use one of the surveillance monitoring programs, give your kids a heads-up and tell them what you are doing.  Talk to them about why you are adding these programs. You could say something like: “We are very concerned about your safety and well being. From time-to-time, we will be monitoring the Internet with a goal of keeping you and the rest of our family safe. We are telling you this so there are no surprises. You need to be aware that there are a lot of creepy adults posing as children who target kids, and we want to make sure that you don’t give put yourself at risk.” This is one of the ways a parent can monitor their children’s activities, but feel less sneaky ahout the process.
• Set very clear expectations and boundaries about what you expect from your children. They may appear to not listen and turn you off, but they are listening and do benefit from clear limits. 
• Connect with other parents in your community and talk to others about responsible ways to keep your kids safe. Attend parent association meetings in the schools, like the PTA. Parents and schools working together help keep kids safe from the dangers of the times we live in.

Remember that you don’t have to be James Bond to adequately protect your kids. Communicate freely, maintain clear values about safety and help them to accurately appraise danger. After all, you need to share the worry with them. They too need to be concerned about their well-being.

Photos by escapedtowisconsin and Swansea Photographer (via flickr)