My daughter was asked to be an altar server at the annual mass for all those who died in my parish in the past year, and I decided to go with her without giving it much thought. I attended several funerals this year for family members of friends and acquaintances, and when I arrived, I saw many familiar faces.

There was a friend who lost his mom and his dad within weeks of each other. There was a classmate of my daughter whose father died over the summer—in attendance with her mother, brother and sister. A palpable sadness stirred among the attendees when this young family approached the front of the church together. Several others that I knew, and a host of others that I didn’t, lit a candle when the names of their loved ones were called.

One older gentleman, whose face I recognized but whose name I didn’t know, lit candles for three different people, the last time returning with tears in his eyes. Other names were read with no family in attendance. I’m sure we all prayed for those folks. I found myself remembering a similar service I attended more than 20 years ago at the hospital where my mother died, and I began to cry. I cried mostly just seeing the tears of others, but also as I recalled the real sense of loss I felt at age 17 and for years after.

In those years since, experiencing more losses and eventually working with many people grieving many kinds of losses, I’ve come to believe some things about grief that I sometimes offer to people I see in counseling.

We all experience loss

First, and I was so aware of this tonight, we all experience pain and loss. No one is immune. To be sure, some tragedies are hard to imagine, but in general, most of us can relate to the pain and emptiness of a loved one’s death. And for the most part, we survive it. I don’t often lead with this realization when working with someone’s “fresh” grief, but the expectation that they will survive allows me to more easily walk the journey with them. Knowing that the intensity of grief fades (and sometimes returns and fades again), and that life resumes, helps us to be there when another person needs us.

Grief is a process

Secondly, I see grief as a very active and tangible process. I find myself talking to people about the usefulness of pictures, keepsakes, and stories—not to make their loved ones into heroes that had no flaws—but simply to remember and honor the shared life experience. It is so common that these practices result in tears and/or laughter, each of which help to heal, and can be real signs of living through the loss.

Take time to remember

Related to this idea of being active, I encourage people to attempt putting some boundaries around the process. The best I can describe it to them is to move in and out of grief, taking some time intentionally to remember their loved one—possibly by writing a letter or looking at some pictures—and then to get on with life. Such a practice helps them to see that grief is real and valuable and does not have to be overwhelming.

Of course, no one is in perfect control of the process, nor should they be. Most of my healing tears have come from spontaneous memories prompted by a song or an event, like at the service tonight. I realized years ago that I could be grateful for the tears because they reminded me just how much each of those lost loved ones meant to me—may they rest in peace.

Photo by L.C.Nøttaasen (via flickr).

We look forward to reading — and sharing — your posts tomorrow. Who knows what kind of difference it can make in educating more people and changing perceptions and views about what it means to live a healthy life.

If you’re participating in the event, be sure we know about it. Here’s how you can let us know:

• Use the blog badge code (it helps us to track links)
• Post your link in the comments of this blog post.
• Send an email to blogparty@yourmindyourbody.org
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• Add your link to our update on APA’s Facebook page (we’ll post a status update tomorrow morning, so you can start commenting and adding links.)

We’ll be updating our blog throughout the day with your links and posts. And if you write something late on Wednesday night, that’s OK too. We’ll share it on Thursday morning.

Thanks for joining us again this year. Words can change lives — let’s see how many we can change in one day.

Maria and Arnold

Typically, divorce is a very contentious process, especially when there are children involved. If the couple can’t get along and solve problems during the marriage, it’s often even more difficult for them to get along and cooperate during a divorce. This is especially true when the typical divorce involves lawyers and clients fighting for “everything they can get.” In this style of divorce, there are no winners. Parents and children generally end up angry, hurt and emotionally bruised. Research shows that divorce can even affect physical health.

As a psychologist, I have seen the devastation that can occur when divorce becomes a battleground.

Fortunately there is another option: collaborative divorce, which is designed to help families divorce with a sense of dignity. Attorneys who do collaborative divorce are trained to focus on the overall well-being of the entire family.

The process uses a series of informal conferences attended by the attorneys, clients, a mental health professional (such as a psychologist), and a financial expert, when needed. An agenda is set prior to each meeting to limit the prospect of a “surprise” being raised. Clients work closely with their attorneys before the meetings so that they are familiar with the issues to be discussed and have an understanding of the law. All parties are able to review pertinent documentation prior to meetings and all negotiations are conducted openly with client participation.

The collaborative approach creates an atmosphere of open communication and cooperation that helps the couple in shaping a divorce agreement that fits the needs of their family. A psychologist or other mental health professional, a crucial part of the team, provides information on child development and family issues so that the parents can make good choices for and about their children. The team remains focused on a “win-win” solution.

Not all couples can use this process. In situations where there is abuse or domestic violence the couple may not be able to work together. However, for couples who truly love their children and can agree that they want to shape a plan that keeps the best interests of their kids at heart, I suggest that collaboration is the way to go.

Photo by DrJohnBullas (via flickr)

Of course, I couldn’t go back and choose a different path. It was done. So, what was I to do about that guilt?

I reminded myself that mistakes happen. I am not the first person to hurt another’s feelings, and as long as I live, I will be prone to doing it again. We make mistakes.

In cognitive-behavioral therapy, such self-talk would be considered a type of “reframe” or an “alternative thought.” A recent article in the New York Times Health section gave me a more specific and apt name for such personal reminders: self-compassion.

Self-compassion should not be thought of only as a “reframe.” According to the research by its pioneer, Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is made up of three important components:

• Responding to yourself with understanding in the face of failure or pain
• Recognizing your own experience as part of the larger human experience (i.e., we all make mistakes and feel pain)
• Remaining aware of painful emotion while neither denying it nor being consumed by it.

As I read about this concept, I felt a need to be cautious. I wanted to resist the temptation to turn self-compassion into what I wanted it to be—in the way that the concept of self-esteem has resulted in confused parents, teachers, and coaches wondering what to say and not to say to children about their efforts and their errors. We miss out on the opportunity for genuine self-esteem when we dilute it to meaning simply good feelings about the self.

Similarly, if I see self-compassion simply as consolation in the face of all my failings, I am sure something will be missing. Dr. Neff explains as much on her website: Self-compassion is not self-indulgence; it doesn’t mean there is no sacrifice to be made; it does not ignore others.

Developing worthwhile traits like self-compassion takes more than the effort to read this blog post. If you want to explore self-compassion, a good resource is Dr. Neff’s website, where you can consider ways to apply it to your own life.

And that brings me back to my “foot in the mouth” experience a short time ago. In reminding myself that others sometimes make similar mistakes, it occurred to me that the people I offended might also have been in my place before. This reminder of the human experience allowed me to apologize and ask for understanding.

Self-compassion reminded me to express compassion to those I hurt by apologizing. In turn, they accepted that apology and expressed understanding back to me in return. If that’s what self-compassion leads to, then that’s a concept I want to read more about.

We seem to have an insatiable desire to examine and draw inferences as to what this digital revolution is all about and how to tackle it. However, we do not need to be jumping to conclusions. We should be careful not to make generalizations about Facebook users based on some of their postings or their profile pictures. We simply do not have enough objective analysis and well-designed studies to draw firm conclusions –at least not yet.

Perhaps the focus still needs to be on the way we interface with others digitally. We keep hearing the now too familiar warning that ‘what you write online will always be online.’ Yet, we find enough users that provide, what seems as, too much information about their lives to the point that reading their posts almost feels like a violation of their privacy. Did I really need to know that about you and your partner or your kids?  Remember, it might be better to:

1. Not say something on Facebook that you would not say in person.
2. Keep from saying something about someone else that you would not want others to say about you either. Ultimately, what you say could also reflect poorly on you.
3. Facebook can be a tool to enhance relationships, but it should not become a substitute for face-to-face interactions.
4. Despite any security settings, your Facebook entries may not be 100% private. This is especially true if you “facebook” at work or about work.

It is amazing how much information some people are willing to share on Facebook (where they are going, what they are doing while at work, what they just bought, what they think of their boss). Yet, we must actively consider if the information shared can make us personally and/or professionally vulnerable. For instance, would you tell your boss that your job is a complete bore? Or would you go out of town and let the newspapers pile up in your front lawn?  Not likely…Yet, giving an account of your every move and mood is just about the same. Perhaps we need to be more thoughtful about what it is we share. After all, if we would not stand up in front of a crowd to share certain personal information, maybe we should not do so online either.

Photo by MrTopf via flckr