My daughter was asked to be an altar server at the annual mass for all those who died in my parish in the past year, and I decided to go with her without giving it much thought. I attended several funerals this year for family members of friends and acquaintances, and when I arrived, I saw many familiar faces.

There was a friend who lost his mom and his dad within weeks of each other. There was a classmate of my daughter whose father died over the summer—in attendance with her mother, brother and sister. A palpable sadness stirred among the attendees when this young family approached the front of the church together. Several others that I knew, and a host of others that I didn’t, lit a candle when the names of their loved ones were called.

One older gentleman, whose face I recognized but whose name I didn’t know, lit candles for three different people, the last time returning with tears in his eyes. Other names were read with no family in attendance. I’m sure we all prayed for those folks. I found myself remembering a similar service I attended more than 20 years ago at the hospital where my mother died, and I began to cry. I cried mostly just seeing the tears of others, but also as I recalled the real sense of loss I felt at age 17 and for years after.

In those years since, experiencing more losses and eventually working with many people grieving many kinds of losses, I’ve come to believe some things about grief that I sometimes offer to people I see in counseling.

We all experience loss

First, and I was so aware of this tonight, we all experience pain and loss. No one is immune. To be sure, some tragedies are hard to imagine, but in general, most of us can relate to the pain and emptiness of a loved one’s death. And for the most part, we survive it. I don’t often lead with this realization when working with someone’s “fresh” grief, but the expectation that they will survive allows me to more easily walk the journey with them. Knowing that the intensity of grief fades (and sometimes returns and fades again), and that life resumes, helps us to be there when another person needs us.

Grief is a process

Secondly, I see grief as a very active and tangible process. I find myself talking to people about the usefulness of pictures, keepsakes, and stories—not to make their loved ones into heroes that had no flaws—but simply to remember and honor the shared life experience. It is so common that these practices result in tears and/or laughter, each of which help to heal, and can be real signs of living through the loss.

Take time to remember

Related to this idea of being active, I encourage people to attempt putting some boundaries around the process. The best I can describe it to them is to move in and out of grief, taking some time intentionally to remember their loved one—possibly by writing a letter or looking at some pictures—and then to get on with life. Such a practice helps them to see that grief is real and valuable and does not have to be overwhelming.

Of course, no one is in perfect control of the process, nor should they be. Most of my healing tears have come from spontaneous memories prompted by a song or an event, like at the service tonight. I realized years ago that I could be grateful for the tears because they reminded me just how much each of those lost loved ones meant to me—may they rest in peace.

Photo by L.C.Nøttaasen (via flickr).

Ten years later, for most of us, life has moved on. We’ve experienced weddings, births, new jobs, new milestones. Americans are resilient, and we learned just how true that was in the years after 9/11. But anniversaries, especially the ones which seem to be significant, can make many adults and children experience reactions to memories and images related to 9/11.

What are anniversary feelings and why do they happen to us?

When a highly traumatic event happens in our lives, it is common to experience a host of feelings in the days and weeks prior to, the day of, and after the anniversary.  For example, you may have trouble sleeping and feel more tired. You can’t get upsetting images out of your mind. You find it hard to concentrate, cry more, startle more easily. You might feel generally more nervous or just off. You may feel uncomfortable being alone and have a stronger desire to be with friends or family.  These symptoms are likely to go away on their own soon after the anniversary date.

What can trigger an anniversary reaction?

The triggers of an anniversary reaction are as individual as each person who experienced the day. For some, it could be memories and images from the actual event. For others, it could be watching retrospective news coverage and television documentaries. Still there are those who may feel discomfort hearing emergency sirens, traveling on a plane, or evacuating a tall building through a stairwell.

What are more serious reactions?  

For some individuals, the 9/11 anniversary will trigger more serious symptoms related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. These symptoms may have started soon after 9/11 or months or years later. Symptoms can be retriggered during anniversaries of overwhelming and frightening events. While most reactions to anniversaries go away on their own, the symptoms of PTSD often do not. This is when it’s important to talk to a mental health professional.

What are some ways to acknowledge 9/11 and my grief? 

We all cope differently and have different needs around dates of traumatic events.  Some individuals will just make a mental note of the date and not give it much more thought.  For others, however, it is important to “do” something to mark the date, experience and loss.  Consider some of these options:

• Take time to be with family or friends. Stay connected instead of being alone.
• Or be alone. Disconnect from the news and visit a park, lake or someplace outdoors. Take time out of a hike to reflect on the quiet, calm and beauty around you.
• Visit a grave or memorial site of a loved one, friend or colleague, if it brings you comfort in any way.
• Attend a community, school or faith-based event in remembrance of 9/11.
• Make a donation to your local emergency responders association, such as a fire, police or EMS department.
• Light a candle in memory of someone special or to mark the day.
• Plant a tree or flowers in memory of someone special. Create and nurture a garden at home or in the community.
• Write about your feelings and what they day means to you now.
• Make a commitment to volunteer with an organization or cause you support.
• Create a new tradition so the day has a positive meaning.

Whatever you chose to do or not do to mark 9/11, remember to take good care of yourself.  It’s common during difficult and more stressful times to forget about good nutrition, exercise and relaxation just at the time when they may be most important to our health and well-being.  The 10^th anniversary of 911 is certainly likely to be a powerful day for so many individuals, families, communities, organizations and countries.

Remember, you were not alone 10 years ago experiencing the day America changed. And you are not alone in your grief 10 years later.

Photo by ClatieK (via Flickr)

RELATED VIDEO

Psychologist Rosemary Schwartzbard, PhD, talks about how 9/11 has become an emotional milestone for many people and discusses how people can change the meaning of the day. Dr. Schwartzbard was one of the psychologists on scene at the Pentagon immediately following the events of September 11.

(Guest post by Barbara Van Dahlen, PhD, psychologist, founder and president of Give an Hour)

Every American adult can pinpoint exactly where they were on Sept. 11, 2001, when they heard the news that we were under attack, and most of us can recall exactly how we spent that day and the next several.  That day changed so much. It set in motion a series of events and decisions that continue to affect so many lives 10 years later.

Our country went to war 10 years ago, and we remain at war today. More than 2.2 million men and women have served in Iraq and Afghanistan since 9/11. More than 6,000 service members have died in these wars and tens of thousands have come home with visible and invisible injuries resulting from their experience in combat.

While some Americans decided to serve our country by joining the military effort, others chose to focus on caring for those who come home from war. During the first few years of the war in Iraq efforts at home focused on creating care packages to ship overseas so that our men and women fighting there would know our country supported them. This was a very different America than the one that failed to welcome home veterans from Vietnam.

But the Iraq War continued to grind on, and the fighting in Afghanistan intensified. Homefront efforts to support the men and women of our armed forces began to take into account the reality that many of our soldiers, Marines, airmen, and sailors were serving four, five, and even six tours of duty. And many people and groups began to focus on providing support for the families—of the fallen, of the injured, of those who came home to a struggling economy and to an uncertain future.

My own organization, Give an Hour, was founded six years ago out of concern for the mental health of those who experience the brutality of war and with awareness that war comes home to affect the wives, husbands, children, and other loved ones of those who serve.

Give an Hour was founded with the belief that the mental health community has important knowledge and expertise to offer and to share during this time of war. This is an opportunity for the mental health community to do our part to serve our country, by offering free services to our armed forces, their families, and their communities. It is an opportunity to fill gaps in care and service by joining with colleagues in the Departments of Defense and Veterans Affairs to help those who fight heal from the invisible injuries of war.

To mark the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, Give an Hour is joining with mental health partners, including the American Psychological Association and other state and national mental health associations, by asking all mental health professionals to support those who serve and their families.

We are asking our mental health colleagues to make a commitment by 9/11 to join an organization like Give an Hour or another pro bono effort in their community, or to give a talk in their community about the issues that affect those who serve and their families.

Anyone can join the the 9/11 Tribute Movement and offer a way to honor the 9/11 victims, survivors and those that rose in service in response to the attacks.

And you don’t have to be a mental health professional to support the men, women and families who serve our country. Take the time to educate yourself about the issues our returning troops and their families face as they return to our communities. Offer to join efforts to help military families that are currently underway through nonprofit organizations or veterans services organizations.

The anniversary of 9/11 provides us with an opportunity to refocus our attention and renew our commitment to our returning troops and their families. Americans have the chance to ensure that all of those who serve our country come home to the services they need, the support they deserve, and the understanding and respect that a truly grateful nation can provide. Please join us.

Dr. Barbara Van Dahlen is a clinical psychologist in the Washington, D.C. area and president of Give an Hour. Concerned about the mental health implications of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Dr. Van Dahlen founded the nonprofit organization in 2005.

Photo by the U.S. Army (via flickr)

(Guest post by Ron Palomares, PhD, psychologist.)

“Daddy, why is everyone talking about ‘9/11’ and seeming so sad?”

How do you answer a question like that, when your child was not alive or too young to remember that day you and I could never forget?

As the tenth anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks nears, there may be questions asked by your children. Anniversaries of traumatic events can stir up powerful or distressing feelings for many people. But remember, only teenagers who are 15 or older will most likely have memories of Sept. 11, 2001,  because they were at least five years old at that time. And children who were younger than five in 2001 are unlikely to remember the fear, the anger, and the events of that day which has changed our world.  Instead, they know about 9/11 only from stories, pictures and videos.

Before you begin talking with your child or answering their questions, remember that children understand the world very differently than adults do.  What they see and experience daily is not viewed or understood in the same way adults understand the world.  Not only will your child not have experienced the horrors and fears you had when you lived through that day’s events, but they will also not have an understanding of the emotions that you felt then and still do now.

Seeing images on TV or hearing people talk about the 9/11 events may worry kids. Or, they may also have an indifferent reaction, not fully understanding why people want to give up time for community service or volunteer for charity events.

In other words, their perspective is very different than yours.

So what do you say to them when they ask questions about the anniversary of Sept. 11?  There are three things a parent should keep in mind.

1. Remember that your child’s perspective is different than your own.
2. Describe the day honestly and in words they can understand. For very young children, you may start with something such as, “There are people who did not like us and wanted to hurt us.”  With older children, you may want to explain it by telling them something about how a terrorist leader did not like America because our cultures and beliefs were different than his.
3. Most importantly, reassure them of how you and others are working hard to keep them safe.  Explain how you held them that day when they were just a baby or when they were born you were there to hug and love them, wanting to protect them from everything, including falls, bumps and scraps.  Everyone needs to know that they are loved and being looked out for. When your child hears talk about the events of Sept.11, they will especially need your reassurance then.

You can create an opportunity to talk about Sept. 11 with your children by tuning in to Nick News tonight (Sept. 1) at 9 p.m. (ET/PT). Children’s cable network Nickelodeon worked with the American Psychological Association to develop a show and discussion guide that can help parents and educators explain the events to children. “What Happened?: The Story of September 11, 2001,” hosted by Linda Ellerbee, will give kids their own forum to talk about the events of that day, address some of their misconceptions and answer their questions.

If you miss the show on Sept. 1, you can watch it after it airs on the Nick News website.

Since you are reading this blog now, I expect you have had the question asked already or, even better, you are preparing for when your daughter or son asks you, “What happened?” Your child, just like mine, wants us to be present to talk WITH them about these things.  Listen to what they are asking about and then talk honestly and with reassurance.  At the end, don’t forget the hug and telling them you love them!

Dr. Ron Palomares is a psychologist and assistant executive director of governance operations for the American Psychological Association.

Photo by KOMUnews (via Flickr)

• Are mornings too chaotic? Although it is not uncommon for parents to say that school mornings are often frantic and hectic, it might be useful to assess what would make them less so. Identify what might be the source of the primary stress and seek alternatives solutions. For example, if the kids take too long to get ready, you can get them up earlier, have them pick out their clothes the night before, or get them to bed earlier so that they are ready to get going in the morning.
• Are you over-scheduled? It is okay to limit the number of extracurricular activities your kids are involved in, especially if you have more than one child. You can have them choose one after school activity (sport, class) that they can do and enjoy. They might get more out of being involved in one after school activity they enjoy rather than several activities that they may dread doing.  And, as a parent, you might be more present and less overwhelmed if you do not have to run around along with them.
• Are electronics turned off long before bedtime? Studies have shown that kids’ brains need time to turn off before they can fall asleep after playing video games or watching TV. To make sure they are getting the rest they need, establish a bedtime routine that includes no video games, online activity, game playing on their phones, or TV viewing for at least one hour before bedtime. Lack of good sleep can lead to less cooperative behaviors the next day and difficulties at school.

Ultimately, our job as parents is to help our children make good choices and develop life skills that will guide them for life. It is never too early to get started on good habits and to learn how to prioritize.  We can be their best tutor—by modeling.

Photo via: FreeFoto.com