Forgiveness…The gift of inner healing.
I was recently asked to give a TV interview on the subject of forgiveness in relationships. It made me ponder, what does it mean to truly forgive? The concept of forgiveness is indeed a complex and delicate issue. We often hear people say, “I may forgive, but I will never forget.” Does this belief lead to true forgiveness?
I think that we often confuse forgiveness with not holding people accountable for their actions. When we engage in the process of forgiveness (and it is a process), in no way does it imply that we condone the behavior of the person who hurt us. Forgiveness does not suggest that their behavior was in any way acceptable. However, forgiveness does mean that we are not allowing their behavior to define our emotions.
Forgiveness has much more to do with us than with the person we are attempting to forgive. Forgiveness, in part, is coming to accept that someone has hurt, betrayed, lied, disappointed, or even embarrassed us. It is letting go of those hurtful emotions and no longer holding ourselves hostage to them. We often think that in order to forgive, we must demand that those who hurt us redeem themselves in some form or to show us regret and deep remorse. But, does that not give the person more power to influence our reactions? They can choose to show us they are genuinely sorry, or not. They can make amends, or not. They can promise it will not happen again, or not. Ultimately, their apologies, remorse, or deeds of redemption are not within our control.
An apology may provide an acknowledgment that they have hurt us and we are not pleased. However, to expect an apology from someone before we can forgive turns our power over to them. Power and healing come from within. Through the work of forgiveness, we can choose to no longer allow these hurtful feelings to eat at us. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves—a gift for us, by us, and not for anyone else.
Perhaps the expression of forgiving but not forgetting reminds us that while forgetting the aggression may not be the goal, forgiving allows us to, once again, find peace of mind.
Filed under: Being in Therapy, Lifestyle & Behaviors, Relationships, Women, Work/Life
Thanks for this post, Angela. Great perspective. I’ve often encouraged people in counseling to replace “forgive and forget” with “forgive and let go.” Like you explain above, I think it helps place the focus on what a person CAN control versus what they cannot.