Your Mind Your Body

One of the many challenges of providing support for an aging parent is that there are a number of difficult conversations that must take place. Discussing extended plans for housing, health care, and finances with a parent can be both stressful and uncomfortable for all those involved. This is especially true when the topic being discussed is money. 

Unfortunately, with the recent economic downturn, these types of conversations have never been more important. Many older adults have been forced to reexamine portfolios and consider making changes to their retirement plans. The result can be feelings of helplessness and fear as aging parents struggle with the realities of their finances. Assistance from adult children in these matters can be a difficult, but very welcome occurrence. However, it is very important that these conversations be handled in a manner that is helpful, constructive, and attempts to avoid possible triggers for resistance. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions that could be helpful in initiating this process, as well as making it a little less painful for all those involved.  

• Start the process early – Even if your Mom or Dad is not showing any signs of being in financial trouble, I still recommend that the caregiver open the door to discussions about financial matters. It is difficult, but it can lay the foundation for an open dialogue on this issue and help head off problems down the road. In addition, having these discussions when both parties can fully participate is vital. This issue is difficult enough as it is. When you wait until some type of crisis occurs (medical or otherwise) to start this process, the difficulty level increases exponentially.
• Initiate the conversation – Making a statement such as “You know, Dad, I was watching the news the other night and they said that the economy is really starting to impact retirees. It concerned me and I just wanted to check to make sure that you and Mom are doing OK in this area”, can help begin the process. It may take several attempts before any movement is noticed, but it is important to at least get the ball rolling in a non-threatening manner.
• Start small and go slow – Sometimes parents are more willing to let the caregiver help with smaller financial tasks as a start (assistance with writing checks for monthly bills, balancing checkbook, etc.). As confidence grows and the care recipient becomes more comfortable, they may be more willing to allow the caregiver to take on additional responsibilities.
• Don’t push too hard – This can be a very difficult issue for many, and for some parents it is hard to transition from the person providing the care to the person who is receiving the help. For this reason, I always encourage the caregiver to allow the care recipient to dictate some of the pace at which this process proceeds. The last thing you want is for the care recipient to feel threatened and therefore pull back from any and all assistance that is offered.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for outside help – I have recommended to some families that they seek outside help from a financial advisor. Many retirees’ have fairly complicated portfolio’s that can involve a variety of financial resources. Trying to make sense of these issues can be overwhelming for the care recipient, as well as the caregiver. Speaking with an advisor can also help to decrease some of the care recipient’s defensiveness about these issues. I have also seen some older adults open up to professionals in a way that they were not able to with family members. 
• One way of introducing this process to the patient in a non-threatening way is to meet with a financial advisor yourself. By doing so, it provides a starting point to discuss it with a parent, especially if you are able to emphasize how painless the process was and how it forced you to think about things that maybe you had not considered previously.

Photo courtesy of deborah jaffe

Filed under: Aging, Chronic Illness & Disease Management