Hunger and Your Child – What’s a Parent to Do?
A recent blog post from a pediatrician, which was also mentioned on the New York Times’ “Motherlode” blog, addressed the question “What do I do if my chubby kids say they are hungry?” Dr. Meeker raised some valid points in her post— it’s important to set limits on screen time and food choices and we need to provide easy access to healthy foods, among other things.
However, some of Dr. Meeker’s suggestions may mislead parents in how to talk to their children about feelings of hunger. How we talk to our kids about hunger and help them understand it is not as simple as one may think. In fact, more harm than good might happen when people charge in and take total control over a child’s hunger without considering the child’s feelings, self-esteem or how the child thinks of herself.
Firstly, it’s important that ALL children understand hunger and the reasons we eat. In her post, Dr. Meeker focused the attention of hunger in the “chubby” ones. (I hesitate to even type that word.)
This isn’t just a “chubby” kids’ issue. (Again, I cringe at typing that word.) This is an issue for all children. Not all children begin life overweight. Some have a decent metabolism and are active, but then they get older they may gain weight for many reasons like not moving enough and developing poor eating habits. Some start short and carry extra weight and then loose it after a growth spurt. Still others have physical or biological factors that contribute to their weight and size.
For all of these children, the similarity is they will experience “hunger” of some kind and need your help sorting out how to respond.
Secondly, validation of a child’s physical symptoms is important because they need to understand and respond appropriately to hunger. Among her recommendations, Dr. Meeker suggests telling the child to just let it go or learn that feeling hungry is just a part of life.
She writes:
“We can determine whether or not our kids are really hungry. All kids get the sensation they are hungry all day long, so take a hard look at your child’s weight. If she’s chubby, tell her that her hunger will go away and that feeling her stomach growl is just part of life. She perceives hunger as a problem, so tell her that it isn’t. It is trainable. She can make it go away by not eating until dinner time.”
But here’s the concern with that recommendation: If a child expresses a feeling that she is having and you tell her that her feeling is not OK or that it’s “just a part of life,” you invalidate that feeling or sensation. When children have their feelings invalidated, it can lead them to mistrust their own emotions. That can then stop them from learning how to regulate their emotions, which is extremely important in successfully managing their lives, especially when stressed.
How can hunger feelings be dealt with? One option I’ve seen is caregivers restricting their children’s diet. But this often doesn’t work and it doesn’t teach children how to listen to their body and their feelings of hunger. When diets are restricted, the children still get food. They sneak it, hide it or lie about what they are eating. They still gain weight because they are concerned that when they are hungry, they won’t be allowed to eat. Food cannot be forbidden because guess what? That is all they will think about.
So. What do you do when children say they are hungry and it’s not meal time?
Talk to your children and pay attention to what they’re doing. Engage your son and daughters in problem-solving to determine if they are really hungry or experiencing something else. You could say, “Well, let’s see what your body might be telling you.”
If your child just ate, you could explain digestion and how this might be a sign that the body is digesting food. You can explain that our body needs a certain period of time to digest and no longer feel hungry. Or sometimes, when we think we are hungry, we are actually thirsty for water. Perhaps that is what the child really needs.
Suggest that if the child still feels hungry after waiting out the time needed to digest, he can select a healthy option like a fruit, vegetable or a small amount of almonds. This prevents your child from feeling as if he is being deprived.
Talk about food and hunger before children say they are hungry. One of the things I help parents and kids develop together is a snack list. They work together to set limits on the kinds of snacks and sizes that are allowed. This works because the child knows they are in control of their food and eating. I have yet to see a child overeat apples, carrots or yogurts. Have you?
I like to tell kids that their body is their vehicle to the future. They need to take really great care of their “car” so it doesn’t break down and get in the way of their dreams. This is an example of encouraging motivation, empowerment and achievement of life’s goals beyond food.
Food is necessary to life so we need to educate without judgment. When you partner with your kids to make eating a pleasant and enjoyable experience, it allows children to truly nourish their body and grow their mind.
Photos by Bruce Tuten and kali-ma (via flickr)
Filed under: Children, Lifestyle & Behaviors, Parenting, Weight Issues
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Developing healthy eating habits and feelings about food is one of the most emotionally challenging jobs we mothers have. So I’d like to clarify a few points on the subject.
First of all, every one of our children is “at risk” for an eating disorder of some type- anorexia, bulimia or obesity. Each of these is a very serious issue. Why is each of our children at risk? Because they are bludgeoned with food advertisements, pass a multitude of fast food restaurants daily (at least if you live in a mid-size town) and are taught early in life to think about food constantly. This is no fault of their own.
Thus, we Moms are put in a positiion of dealing with the effects of this onslaught on their tender young minds if we are to help them develop healthy relationships with food.
I have treated anorexic, bulemic, overweight and healthy weight children for over 25 years, and I have a good grasp of the complexity of these issues. And one problem I have seen explode recently occurs in the minds of our children- it is constant thinking about food. This rise has paralelled the explosion of all eating disorders in our kids.
Eating disorders are out of control in our kids. I routinely test overweight youngsters for early signs of diabetes and listen to college kids come home after their freshman year and tell me how many girls in their dorms routinely purge. I feel as though I have been kicked in the stomach.
So what are we mothers to do? The bottom line is, our kids need healthier thought processes when it comes to food. When the culture trains them to think about eating or not eating constantly, what are we to do?
First, our kids need to be told that hunger feelings are just that. Sometimes they need to be satiated, sometimes kids need to control their hunger- especially if the child is overweight. The most common reason mothers tell me that their child is overweight is because “he is hungry all the time.” Moms need permission to tell their kids (especially if the child is overweight) to tell the hunger to wait. The more a child eats, the hungrier he gets. It’s the stretching of the stomach phenomenon.
And as far as labelling kids chubby, I prefer to use that “clinical” term rather than “obese.” No child should be told she is chubby, fat or obese. That is language that passes from physician to mother when discussing the serious problem of obesity.
Our kids are facing a crisis and we need to take it seriously. Some of our kids won’t outlive us because of food issues. We need to toughen up and help them out. Yes, we need to be sensitive to their feelings, always use affirming language, but make no bones about the fact that the food culture around them doesn’t need to dictate their thoughts or behaviors when it comes to food. They do.
We appear to agree a child’s feelings are important when we discuss their health with them. Like you, I do believe that we, as healthcare providers, have a responsibility to actively engage families in discussions on setting limits and developing strategies for effectively managing hunger. Your last statement really reinforces the comment that I made about empowering kids to take charge of their lives and health in a positive way. I want to thank you for taking the time to respond. We obviously share a passion for helping our patients be healthy and happy.
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I am a specialist in eating disorders and feel that you all have left out a piece that is very very important. Eating is an activity which can be used to numb. We eat because we are bored. We eat because we are happy and want to celebrate. We eat when we are sad and depressed (carbs help to release serotonin). Children learn that from those around them. A child falls down and skins their knee. Mom cleans the wound and presents the child with a cookie and says “Here honey, this will make you feel better.” We need to help children (and everyone else) understand that we are using foods in nonnutritive ways—not just fuel for the body but ways to numb our feelings. We don’t need to ignore hunger. We need to eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full….that doesn’t mean being a member of the “clean your plate club.” If we are still hungry after eating a reasonable amount and waiting the 20 minutes for the brain to get the message, then perhaps something else is going on? We are talking about precursors to Binge Eating Disorder here. In my opinion this is why most obesity programs are not working because it is not just about moving your body and eating less calories. It is not just about the food. Oh and yeah, don’t forget about the genetics! Eating disorders are genetic and this may have something to do with it too. Lots more to say but I will move on.
I truly appreciate your reply, Dr. Hendelman. I could not agree more that we all eat for many reasons beyond hunger and need for energy. Your response highlights the multifaceted nature of obesity and why one blog response is not adequate to address this problem. In our nutrition clinic, I work with all healthcare providers to address the eating continuum and the importance of addressing the emotional aspects of eating. I agree there is so much more to say and your comments emphasize the need for more dialogue on other factors related to eating.