Your Mind Your Body

I was sitting in my office the other day talking to parents about their difficulty in finding any way to get their kids to behave. They were feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and blamed each other for some of the problems. They had taken on the good cop-bad cop roles. I asked them when they thought they lost control of their house. They replied that once the kids were born they never were really in control.

I can’t tell you how often I seem to have this same conversation with parents of children of all ages. Four-year-olds refuse to go to bed without a parent sleeping with them. Tweens refuse to do chores, and teens sneaking out at night and refusing to do anything they don’t feel like doing. Parents are even serving alcohol at high school parties thinking they are being “cool and safe” by taking away the kids car keys. Sorry, underage drinking is still against the law.

There are a lot of stories out there and writers ponder why. Lately, I am hearing about more kids who have either flunked out of college or just left school for a variety of reasons and who sit  around doing “whatever,” expecting to be treated as an adult, entitled to adult behaviors but acting like a spoiled 14-year-olds. Sound familiar? 

Parents seem afraid to set firm limits. They are afraid they won’t be liked or they might hurt their kids self-esteem. Kids don’t come with manuals. But parenting skills to raise happy and respectful children can be learned. 

• Remember that you are in charge. Parenting is not a democracy. It should be more of a benevolent dictatorship.
• Decide what rules are most important and be firm about enforcing them. Let them know that rules are to keep them safe and to help them learn to function well in a community.
• Don’t give in to tantrums. It can take around 11-12 weeks to change negative behaviors. But one episode of giving in by parents can set the process back to the beginning. The child learns he must just scream, fight or threaten a little harder and he will get his way.
• Allow kids to make choices about some things. For example: they must do some chores around the house. But they can choose which ones from a list you have written up.
• Role model the kinds of respectful behavior that you expect of your children.
• Make sure you are your partner are working as a team. Kids are geniuses as “splitting” to get their way. 

The Parents Zone has more useful tips on setting limits as a parent.

I truly believe that when parents are in charge, kids feel safer and are much happier. They may tell their friends you are mean because they aren’t allowed to do something, but they know in their hearts that you care and that you are doing your job.

Filed under: Children, Parenting, Women