When APA released the results of its 2010 Stress in America Survey, I was especially struck by the differences in women and men regarding stress.

Not only were women more likely than men (28 percent vs 20 percent) to report a great deal of stress, but married women, in particular, reported significantly more stress (63 percent) than single women (41 percent). Married women were also more  likely than single women to report crying, irritability and fatigue and to resort to unhealthier ways to manage their stress like overeating.

Economy Hurting Women

One of the reasons married women may be more stressed is the downturn in the economy. Higher unemployment rates for men mean more women are now often the sole family wage earner. Many women are also at home coping with a spouse who has have been unemployed for the last two years. As the caretakers of their families’ needs, married women traditionally bear the brunt of their family’s pain and often struggle to “fix it” for everyone. Unfortunately, they often neglect their own needs in the process, leading to higher rates of depression, exhaustion and poor overall health, something I’ve been seeing more and more of in my practice.

The story of Kathy and Larry

One patient I’ll call “Kathy” (not her real name) never worked outside the home after having her three children. Her husband “Larry” (also not his real name) provided a good income from the manufacturing industry. Two years ago he was suddenly laid off after 25 years. Their story is a life lesson for us.

For the first time in their long-term marriage, Kathy had to work. She found it terrifying. The couple began fighting more, and  Kathy became anxious and angry. When Kathy came to see me, she was not sleeping and had gained 20 pounds from late-night binge eating.

Although Kathy had not worked outside the home, she had many strengths and skills that she had gained raising three successful children and volunteering for the past 20 years, I told her.  But in order to function decently, she needed to be able to sleep. Insomnia affects concentration and memory at work. But it’s also linked to late-night eating and weight gain. Kathy’s primary care physician prescribed a mild sleep aid, and I worked with her to  lessen both her anxiety and her ruminating about her future.

We worked on dealing with the family’s money crisis, and she quickly found a job doing accounting work for a small business. I also referred Larry to a therapist.

A Positive Outcome

While Larry only managed to find part-time consulting work, he discovered he loves cooking. Kathy, on the other hand, was surprised to discover she loves working outside the home and was promoted at work. Most importantly, the couple learned to adapt to the changing economy and pulled closer together, rather than be pulled apart.

While marriage can be more stressful for women, it can also be a positive buffer against outside stress.  Here’s what makes the difference:

• Determine what you can control (exercise, diet, dealing with anger) and what you cannot control (the economy, your partner’s personality).
• Reach out to good girlfriends and family for support–they are invaluable.
• Take care of your health and your stress–make that annual physical exam appointment.
• Focus on your strengths as a couple, not just your differences.
• Get professional help for communication problems quickly so you don’t drift apart.
• If your husband won’t go for couple therapy, get help for yourself.

Photo by Tom Poes via flickr.

Think of giving not as a duty but as a privilege.—John D. Rockefeller, Jr.

Turn on the news these days and you will see the devastating effects of homelessness on families, the increased numbers of children going to school hungry, or an elderly man found frozen to death because he could not afford his heating oil. In many of these reports, there is often a human interest story that makes its way into the headlines. We may hear about the selfless acts of neighbors reaching out to one another… sharing a shelter in the middle of a winter storm; or a community coming together to help those in need.

In moments of crisis or when we truly pay attention to human suffering, it seems as though a veil is removed and our humanity and caring is unmasked. This is especially the case during the holidays. People’s sense of warmth and compassion becomes evident through the selfless giving during these times. Whether it is financial contributions to the Salvation Army or donations to the local food bank, generosity abounds during the holidays.

What is it about the holidays that compel us to give so graciously? Maybe we are simply moved by the spirit of giving. Yet, there are countless people who are in some need each and every day. Some may need food or shelter for the evening, while others may need clothing or items for daily living. For many Americans, their hardship continues throughout the year. In fact, The National Center on Family Homelessness reported that, in 2005-2006, 1 out of every 50 children in America were homeless… and the numbers are growing.

Generosity is not just about monetary giving. To be generous implies that we are willing to share or give of ourselves. Most, if not all, people are privileged in some way. Whether it is an education we have acquired or emotional empathy we have learned, there is something (tangible or otherwise) that we can share with those around us to uplift their lives. In this view, each and every one of us has a unique quality or gift that we can pass along to those in our community. To give of ourselves to our neighbors is truly an honor and a privilege and it is through that selfless behavior that we can grow as individuals… all year long.

You might be thinking that it is all about healthy communication. Well, not exactly. While effective communication is important and critical, if we are focused on the wrong target, we’re still going to miss the point. So, what should we do to untangle ourselves from the emotional trappings of this political debate?

We all know conflict when we see it and we know that it doesn’t feel good…mostly, because we are feeling threatened in some way. Too often, we respond to these perceived threats in a defensive manner; looking to deflect or counter any attacks thrown our way. However, when this happens, each party gets too focused on just their ultimate goal. In other words, the position (or outcome) that we are seeking becomes the focus. Once we go there, it is likely that we are going to get stuck in a war unless one side gives up or is defeated, hurt, and angry.

Rather than focusing on what you and the other person want (the position), it is imperative that we put our energies into understanding each other’s interests. In other words, interests are the reasons we want a particular outcome. While it may be likely that those involved may want differing outcomes, there is greater likelihood that we can come to a successful resolution by examining each party’s reasons for why something is important.  Obviously, clear and effective communication can facilitate this process. However, it is essential to know what is driving the conflict. Once we can appreciate where the other party is coming from, we can collaborate together to find a mutually successful resolution with the fringe benefit of a healthy bipartisan relationship.

While sexting was first referred to as early as 2005, it has received significant attention these past few months. But what is it? Sexting is a word created by joining ‘sex’ and ‘texting’ and refers to the act of sending sexually explicit messages, photos, or videos electronically, primarily between cell phones. While adults may be participating in this activity with some frequency, the concerns stem from the widespread prevalence of sexting among teenagers.

In 2008, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com commissioned a survey of teens and young adults to find out who sends or posts sexually suggestive material. What they found would surprise most parents… 20% of all teens reported that they have sent/posted nude or seminude pictures or video of themselves. Additionally, close to 40% of teens have sent or posted sexually suggestive messages. Some may respond by observing that this is another case of “kids being kids” and wonder what all of the fuss is about. My concern is just that….THESE ARE KIDS! And the law is responding accordingly.

Recently, a number of jurisdictions have started “cracking down” on sexting among teenagers and charging those who send sexually explicit pictures or are in possession of such pictures that contain minors as child sex offenders. It does not matter if you were the one who originally took the picture. As long as you are in possession, you are breaking the law. For those cases that are successfully prosecuted, the teens have to register with the national child sex offender database.

For those who have not been caught and prosecuted, they may directly experience a number of other unintended consequences. Once the photo is taken and sent, they have no control over where the picture ends up. It could be distributed throughout the entire school within days. It could be posted online only to show up when they are trying to get admitted to college or applying for a job…not the best way to make a good first impression.

But is legal action the best way to address this social issue? I do not believe so. My concern is that this behavior is going to escalate as new technology emerges unless we attend to the underlying issue(s) that are driving this behavior.

The survey found that over half of the girls who sent sexually suggestive images or content did so because they felt pressure to do so, usually from a guy. Conversely, 18% of boys also reported feeling pressured. By far the most common reason for sending sexually suggestive content among both girls and boys was to be “fun or flirtatious.” Moreover, many teens say that it is an effective way of getting someone’s attention. What does this say? The findings suggest that many teens do not have the skills necessary to stand up to this pressure nor getting someone’s attention without the use of images or sexy texts. It also highlights lack of parental involvement in the teenagers’ use of cell phones and online social networks.

As a parent, it is incumbent upon you to take an active role in your child’s online behavior. Whether it is monitoring their MMS messages on their cell phone or tracking their discussions on their Facebook page, it is your responsibility to know what your child is doing. You may ask, “But, what about their privacy?” We need to remember that they are minors and that they sacrifice their right to private interactions once they use cell phones or computers to interact. As long as they are your responsibility, you have the right to be nosy.

To really prevent this behavior from happening in the first place, parents need to be fully engaged in their teen’s life. Helping them to understand and to learn how to respond to the daily pressures encountered in this time of life is crucial for the child. Also, effective modeling on how to engage and connect with others cannot be discounted. Whether we believe it or not, children are much attuned to how adults conduct themselves. By having frank discussions about sexuality, values, and the overt sexualizing of popular culture, we can give teenagers the ability to make clear, informed choices and decisions for themselves.

Throughout our lives we are constantly striving to feel loved and connected to others. As children, we are dependent on our caregivers to provide the safety and security needed for our development. As teens, we begin to search for how we are connected to our peer group and, as adults, we attempt to build a life around establishing and maintaining relationships with those we love and that make us happy.

During this journey, there are moments when we become acutely aware of the fragility of each of these relationships, leading us to be consumed, at times, with the fear of being alone. In spite of living in a culture that promotes the values of autonomy and individualism, the fact is, we are all social creatures. We yearn to experience deep, intimate connections with others, while understanding that these relationships could end at any moment. This awareness becomes the driving force that leads many of us to focus on attending to the needs of others, at the expense of our own needs. In this view, one would believe that if we can please those around us and do things to keep others happy, then the relationship will become stronger and permanent.

To be effective at this, we would need to change our colors depending on who we are with…becoming a bit of a “social chameleon.” When we are with one group of friends, we may act one way, when we are with another group, we may behave differently. However, this way of being in the world leads us to define ourselves by those around us. In other words, we give others the power to shape who we are.

I believe that there is a sense of comfort in this for some of us. Ultimately, it affords us the opportunity to avoid looking inward and establishing a genuine relationship with ourselves. Why is it so comforting to focus on others, rather than ourselves? It may be that in those rare moments when we have an opportunity to just be with our thoughts, we begin to get in touch with the fact that, in many ways, we do not know how to be ourselves and we are living a façade. Questions begin to emerge such as “who am I really?,” “what do my friends really know about me?,” and “what is this ride of life all about?” When we sit and struggle with these questions, we might experience a bit of anxiety and unrest. In these periods of self-reflection, it is possible to fully grasp the notion that the most important relationship in our life is with our own selves.

That is why it is so important that we learn to love ourselves and strive to become our own person. Perhaps the ultimate loss in life would be to look back over with a sense of regret that we did not live the life we wanted to live for ourselves. As Jo Coudert wrote in Advice From a Failure,

“You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.”

It is essential that we become our own anchor in our life, fully grounded in the acceptance and knowledge that we are being ourselves and to allow ourselves to be enriched, not defined, by the friends and partners who love us for who we truly are.