When accidents happen, it’s important to talk to kids honestly about what has occurred.

Graphic and detailed information is typically not needed. Brief, accurate, and age-appropriate information can be provided, followed by lots of time for questions and discussion about kids’ thoughts about the incident.

An example might be: “Mrs. Jones was in a bike accident.  She fell from her bike and hurt her neck and broke her leg. When we see her next week she will have a few bandages on her face, a cast on her leg and will be using crutches.”

This might be followed by something like this: “You know, accidents happen.  So that’s why we wear bike helmets and ride on the sidewalks.”

Some other things to be aware of:

• Some kids won’t seem to care about the person who has experienced the trauma.  That’s OK, we all deal with things differently.  They may show concern at a later time, or not at all.
• Kids may become very concerned about their own safety and the safety of their loved ones. For example, in the above case a child might be nervous to ride their own bike following the trauma. Brief re-assurance and a review of safety precautions (helmets, etc) are appropriate.
• Children who have a history of trauma may have a particularly hard time when a new trauma arises, even if it doesn’t concern them directly. In this case, providing extra time for open-ended discussion about the past and current trauma is important.
• Kids who show symptoms of depression or anxiety may benefit from talking to a mental health professional, including a school counselor or psychologist. Symptoms might include, difficulty sleeping, lack of interest in previously pleasurable activities, increased tearfulness, and isolation/withdraw.  Kids might also complain of physical ailments like stomach and headaches.

Photo by mikemcilveen (via Flickr)

Have you seen the buzz about the new study recently reported in the journal Pediatrics? It found that child care time might help protect kids of depressed moms from developing psychological and behavioral problems. 

Blogs and articles (like this one from CNN’s The Chart) have been popping up all over the Internet since the study’s release.  While the authors note that the results need to be replicated, I think there are still some important points we can take from the findings.

(I know there is a lot of debate and strong feelings among mothers on how to raise a child, especially when it comes to using child care. I contend that truly supporting moms around us would be another great way to assist the kids of depressed and happy moms alike, which I write more about in this related blog post.)

1. It can take more than one person to raise a healthy child.

In Hillary Clinton’s book, It Takes a Village: and Other Lessons Children Teach Us, she writes about how it takes lots of people, love, and support to raise happy, healthy children.  Well, times haven’t changed much since the 1990s. In fact, I would argue that most of us parents need more help than ever.  Hectic schedules, a slumping economy, and more complex social and technological pressures make parenting more challenging than ever. 

Depressed and non-depressed moms (and dads!) alike can use the assistance of other supportive, nurturing adults when raising their children.  Qualified child care workers, Sunday school teachers, gymnastics instructors, and experienced babysitters could all be important teachers in the lives of all of our children.

2. Asking for help is a good thing.

We Americans love our independence; and it’s a great thing indeed.  Except when life gets tough, challenges arise, and life’s pressures become too much to manage.  In those cases, independence is the last thing we need.  In fact, it is in these times that we need relationships and the assistance of others in our communities.  Whether we are depressed moms, anxious dads, military families or psychologically healthy grandmas, reaching out and asking for help when the going gets tough is essential. 

3. Our moods affect our kids. 

I don’t care whether a mom (or any primary caretaker) is happy, nervous, sad, or angry: Those moods affect the kids.  Kids take their cues from their parents about everything: how to react to strangers, approach a new physical challenge, feel about the latest American Idol, and view the world as a whole.  Even when we don’t think our kids notice or care what we are doing–they do.  This study on depressed moms and children in day care reminds us that we parents need to care for ourselves so that we can care for our children. 

Not sure where to turn for psychological help?  Check out APA’s Find a Psychologist locator service, check your health insurance website, or ask your pediatrician for a referral to a qualified mental health professional in your area.

Photo by Presidio of Monterey: DLIFLC & USAG’s (via flickr)

Sometimes the outcome is positive: The parent confronts the teen and usually treatment or drug rehabilitation follows.  And sometimes, the result is feelings of betrayal of trust on both sides. The parent feels that the teen can’t be trusted; the teen is usually furious over having been found out.

The question of whether parents should “spy” on their children is not part of the operating manual for raising today’s digitally connected generation. And it’s not an entirely new dilemma. Even before the increase of technology,  Facebook, cell phones, and instant messaging, there were diaries hidden in drawers. And shoeboxes of contraband stored in closet corners. And even then, parents and their children experienced conflict.

In a recent interview I did with CBS News, I was asked what advice I might give parents to help them deal with their worries about their kids. Not all the advice I provided got into the segment. So, I decided to share what I would have communicated had there been enough time.

Here are some things to consider about spying on your children:

• Every day we read, watch and hear about how dangerous the world seems to have become.  Parents are very worried about how to protect their children from what they see as a very dangerous world, e.g., Internet crime, bullying, suicide, sexual predators, social networking sites and drug abuse.
• The cornerstone of the parent-child relationship rests on a foundation of trust. Nevertheless, there are times when parents need to be able to verify that trust, especially when they suspect their teens may be involved in dangerous activities or unaware of the dangers they face.
•  One of the toughest issues for parents is trying to strike a  balance between monitoring their kid’s safety while also providing them with opportunities to learn from their experiences and make wise choices.
• Secretly installed “spyware” can be a problem because children and teens are often miles ahead of their parents technically. Despite sophisticated monitoring equipment, kids can outsmart the very technology that they perceive as entrapping them.
• Young people’s brains are not fully matured, and kids tend to minimize risks and feel invincible. You need to help your children perceive danger accurately by teaching them the appropriate and realistic risks both in real life and online.
• Teenage behavior requires boundaries and monitoring by responsible adults. Parents need to stay informed of their teen’s activities and friends. Laws exist to define an age for drinking alcohol and an age for a driver’s license, but there is no agreed-upon date when kids can safely go online solo.

So what can a responsible parent to do regarding “spying”?

•  There is no substitute for having a good relationship with your children at any age. You are not their peers, and you need to set a clear example of maturity and leadership. Be interested in your teens’ lives, offer sound advice and keep the flow of communication open.  
• Keep your eyes and ears open.  This will help you be better able to spot a problem early on.
• If you are determined to use one of the surveillance monitoring programs, give your kids a heads-up and tell them what you are doing.  Talk to them about why you are adding these programs. You could say something like: “We are very concerned about your safety and well being. From time-to-time, we will be monitoring the Internet with a goal of keeping you and the rest of our family safe. We are telling you this so there are no surprises. You need to be aware that there are a lot of creepy adults posing as children who target kids, and we want to make sure that you don’t give put yourself at risk.” This is one of the ways a parent can monitor their children’s activities, but feel less sneaky ahout the process.
• Set very clear expectations and boundaries about what you expect from your children. They may appear to not listen and turn you off, but they are listening and do benefit from clear limits. 
• Connect with other parents in your community and talk to others about responsible ways to keep your kids safe. Attend parent association meetings in the schools, like the PTA. Parents and schools working together help keep kids safe from the dangers of the times we live in.

Remember that you don’t have to be James Bond to adequately protect your kids. Communicate freely, maintain clear values about safety and help them to accurately appraise danger. After all, you need to share the worry with them. They too need to be concerned about their well-being.

Photos by escapedtowisconsin and Swansea Photographer (via flickr)

We look forward to reading — and sharing — your posts tomorrow. Who knows what kind of difference it can make in educating more people and changing perceptions and views about what it means to live a healthy life.

If you’re participating in the event, be sure we know about it. Here’s how you can let us know:

• Use the blog badge code (it helps us to track links)
• Post your link in the comments of this blog post.
• Send an email to blogparty@yourmindyourbody.org
• Mention it to @APAHelpCenter on Twitter. Use #mhblogday as a hashtag (mental health blog day, naturally)
• Add your link to our update on APA’s Facebook page (we’ll post a status update tomorrow morning, so you can start commenting and adding links.)

We’ll be updating our blog throughout the day with your links and posts. And if you write something late on Wednesday night, that’s OK too. We’ll share it on Thursday morning.

Thanks for joining us again this year. Words can change lives — let’s see how many we can change in one day.

It seems that lately I am hearing more parents complain they feel completely out of control. Basic things like getting the kids to bed and keeping them there through the night have become major events that take up the entire evening and leave parents feeling exhausted, frustrated and  mad at each other. Getting homework done is a major challenge and even getting their kids to speak respectfully seems an unattainable goal.

Parents tell me that punishments, which often include taking away television, computer or phone privileges rarely work. So what can you do?

First, I think we need to identify the key issues.

• Parents are often not working together
• Parents are undermining each other’s parenting styles
• Too many rules
• Too few rules
• Idle threats with no follow through

Next, lets look at a few basic but critical tips for more successful parenting.

• Sit down with your spouse and decide what key issues are most important for your family.
• Pledge solidarity to each other. This means you have each other’s back. If you walk in on “discipline in progress” you will offer only words of support to your spouse!
• Lay it out for the kids. Be concrete. Tell them exactly what you expect and what will happen if the rules are broken.
• Utilize positive reinforcement to make behavior changes. Behavior charts really do work unless the parents are inconsistent in follow through.
• Remain calm whenever possible. Kids rarely hear you when you are screaming at them.
• Keep a sense of humor.
• Get support from friends. Parenting is incredibly difficult!
• Seek help from a psychologist or other mental health professional when you first start feeling things getting out of control.

Now sit back and enjoy the results!

• You will see results in about two weeks if you are really consistent.
• You will feel empowered as individuals.
• Your marriage will be stronger.
• You will have happier and better behaved kids.

photo by Ryan Smith via Flickr