When accidents happen, it’s important to talk to kids honestly about what has occurred.

Graphic and detailed information is typically not needed. Brief, accurate, and age-appropriate information can be provided, followed by lots of time for questions and discussion about kids’ thoughts about the incident.

An example might be: “Mrs. Jones was in a bike accident.  She fell from her bike and hurt her neck and broke her leg. When we see her next week she will have a few bandages on her face, a cast on her leg and will be using crutches.”

This might be followed by something like this: “You know, accidents happen.  So that’s why we wear bike helmets and ride on the sidewalks.”

Some other things to be aware of:

• Some kids won’t seem to care about the person who has experienced the trauma.  That’s OK, we all deal with things differently.  They may show concern at a later time, or not at all.
• Kids may become very concerned about their own safety and the safety of their loved ones. For example, in the above case a child might be nervous to ride their own bike following the trauma. Brief re-assurance and a review of safety precautions (helmets, etc) are appropriate.
• Children who have a history of trauma may have a particularly hard time when a new trauma arises, even if it doesn’t concern them directly. In this case, providing extra time for open-ended discussion about the past and current trauma is important.
• Kids who show symptoms of depression or anxiety may benefit from talking to a mental health professional, including a school counselor or psychologist. Symptoms might include, difficulty sleeping, lack of interest in previously pleasurable activities, increased tearfulness, and isolation/withdraw.  Kids might also complain of physical ailments like stomach and headaches.

Photo by mikemcilveen (via Flickr)

The media is on fire with discussions about the Penn State University sexual abuse unfolding before our eyes in central Pennsylvania. While we don’t know the outcome of this story yet, we do know that child sexual abuse happens everyday. While difficult for most of us to talk about, it’s something that we should all be aware of, actively trying to prevent, and educating our children about.

As we are learning through the case at Penn State, it is critical that suspicions of child abuse be reported to the proper authorities. While making a phone call (to the police department, 911, or local child protection agency) to report abuse can feel embarrassing and uncomfortable, it is crucial that law enforcement have as much information as possible.

Some facts about childhood sexual abuse:

•  Most children are abused by someone they know and trust; boys are more likely than girls to be abused outside of the family.
• Some CDC research has estimated that approximately 1-in-6 boys and 1-in-4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18.
• Most mental health and child protection professionals agree that child sexual abuse is not uncommon and is a serious problem in the United States.

If you have family members of friends dealing with the pain of childhood sexual abuse, there are many resources available, including:

• American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (312) 554-0166
• National Center for Missing and Exploited Children 24-hour hotline: 1-800-THE-LOST
• Child Help USA (1-800) 4-A-CHILD  
• Prevent Child Abuse America  (1-800) CHILDREN  
• Child Welfare Information Gateway (formerly National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information) (1-800) 394-3366

Fore more thoughts on how to help families learn from the situation at Penn State, check out my post on Dr. Stephanie

Photo by .Dianna. (via flickr)

(Guest post by Ron Palomares, PhD, psychologist.)

“Daddy, why is everyone talking about ‘9/11’ and seeming so sad?”

How do you answer a question like that, when your child was not alive or too young to remember that day you and I could never forget?

As the tenth anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks nears, there may be questions asked by your children. Anniversaries of traumatic events can stir up powerful or distressing feelings for many people. But remember, only teenagers who are 15 or older will most likely have memories of Sept. 11, 2001,  because they were at least five years old at that time. And children who were younger than five in 2001 are unlikely to remember the fear, the anger, and the events of that day which has changed our world.  Instead, they know about 9/11 only from stories, pictures and videos.

Before you begin talking with your child or answering their questions, remember that children understand the world very differently than adults do.  What they see and experience daily is not viewed or understood in the same way adults understand the world.  Not only will your child not have experienced the horrors and fears you had when you lived through that day’s events, but they will also not have an understanding of the emotions that you felt then and still do now.

Seeing images on TV or hearing people talk about the 9/11 events may worry kids. Or, they may also have an indifferent reaction, not fully understanding why people want to give up time for community service or volunteer for charity events.

In other words, their perspective is very different than yours.

So what do you say to them when they ask questions about the anniversary of Sept. 11?  There are three things a parent should keep in mind.

1. Remember that your child’s perspective is different than your own.
2. Describe the day honestly and in words they can understand. For very young children, you may start with something such as, “There are people who did not like us and wanted to hurt us.”  With older children, you may want to explain it by telling them something about how a terrorist leader did not like America because our cultures and beliefs were different than his.
3. Most importantly, reassure them of how you and others are working hard to keep them safe.  Explain how you held them that day when they were just a baby or when they were born you were there to hug and love them, wanting to protect them from everything, including falls, bumps and scraps.  Everyone needs to know that they are loved and being looked out for. When your child hears talk about the events of Sept.11, they will especially need your reassurance then.

You can create an opportunity to talk about Sept. 11 with your children by tuning in to Nick News tonight (Sept. 1) at 9 p.m. (ET/PT). Children’s cable network Nickelodeon worked with the American Psychological Association to develop a show and discussion guide that can help parents and educators explain the events to children. “What Happened?: The Story of September 11, 2001,” hosted by Linda Ellerbee, will give kids their own forum to talk about the events of that day, address some of their misconceptions and answer their questions.

If you miss the show on Sept. 1, you can watch it after it airs on the Nick News website.

Since you are reading this blog now, I expect you have had the question asked already or, even better, you are preparing for when your daughter or son asks you, “What happened?” Your child, just like mine, wants us to be present to talk WITH them about these things.  Listen to what they are asking about and then talk honestly and with reassurance.  At the end, don’t forget the hug and telling them you love them!

Dr. Ron Palomares is a psychologist and assistant executive director of governance operations for the American Psychological Association.

Photo by KOMUnews (via Flickr)

• Are mornings too chaotic? Although it is not uncommon for parents to say that school mornings are often frantic and hectic, it might be useful to assess what would make them less so. Identify what might be the source of the primary stress and seek alternatives solutions. For example, if the kids take too long to get ready, you can get them up earlier, have them pick out their clothes the night before, or get them to bed earlier so that they are ready to get going in the morning.
• Are you over-scheduled? It is okay to limit the number of extracurricular activities your kids are involved in, especially if you have more than one child. You can have them choose one after school activity (sport, class) that they can do and enjoy. They might get more out of being involved in one after school activity they enjoy rather than several activities that they may dread doing.  And, as a parent, you might be more present and less overwhelmed if you do not have to run around along with them.
• Are electronics turned off long before bedtime? Studies have shown that kids’ brains need time to turn off before they can fall asleep after playing video games or watching TV. To make sure they are getting the rest they need, establish a bedtime routine that includes no video games, online activity, game playing on their phones, or TV viewing for at least one hour before bedtime. Lack of good sleep can lead to less cooperative behaviors the next day and difficulties at school.

Ultimately, our job as parents is to help our children make good choices and develop life skills that will guide them for life. It is never too early to get started on good habits and to learn how to prioritize.  We can be their best tutor—by modeling.

Photo via: FreeFoto.com

Have you seen the buzz about the new study recently reported in the journal Pediatrics? It found that child care time might help protect kids of depressed moms from developing psychological and behavioral problems. 

Blogs and articles (like this one from CNN’s The Chart) have been popping up all over the Internet since the study’s release.  While the authors note that the results need to be replicated, I think there are still some important points we can take from the findings.

(I know there is a lot of debate and strong feelings among mothers on how to raise a child, especially when it comes to using child care. I contend that truly supporting moms around us would be another great way to assist the kids of depressed and happy moms alike, which I write more about in this related blog post.)

1. It can take more than one person to raise a healthy child.

In Hillary Clinton’s book, It Takes a Village: and Other Lessons Children Teach Us, she writes about how it takes lots of people, love, and support to raise happy, healthy children.  Well, times haven’t changed much since the 1990s. In fact, I would argue that most of us parents need more help than ever.  Hectic schedules, a slumping economy, and more complex social and technological pressures make parenting more challenging than ever. 

Depressed and non-depressed moms (and dads!) alike can use the assistance of other supportive, nurturing adults when raising their children.  Qualified child care workers, Sunday school teachers, gymnastics instructors, and experienced babysitters could all be important teachers in the lives of all of our children.

2. Asking for help is a good thing.

We Americans love our independence; and it’s a great thing indeed.  Except when life gets tough, challenges arise, and life’s pressures become too much to manage.  In those cases, independence is the last thing we need.  In fact, it is in these times that we need relationships and the assistance of others in our communities.  Whether we are depressed moms, anxious dads, military families or psychologically healthy grandmas, reaching out and asking for help when the going gets tough is essential. 

3. Our moods affect our kids. 

I don’t care whether a mom (or any primary caretaker) is happy, nervous, sad, or angry: Those moods affect the kids.  Kids take their cues from their parents about everything: how to react to strangers, approach a new physical challenge, feel about the latest American Idol, and view the world as a whole.  Even when we don’t think our kids notice or care what we are doing–they do.  This study on depressed moms and children in day care reminds us that we parents need to care for ourselves so that we can care for our children. 

Not sure where to turn for psychological help?  Check out APA’s Find a Psychologist locator service, check your health insurance website, or ask your pediatrician for a referral to a qualified mental health professional in your area.

Photo by Presidio of Monterey: DLIFLC & USAG’s (via flickr)