We look forward to reading — and sharing — your posts tomorrow. Who knows what kind of difference it can make in educating more people and changing perceptions and views about what it means to live a healthy life.

If you’re participating in the event, be sure we know about it. Here’s how you can let us know:

• Use the blog badge code (it helps us to track links)
• Post your link in the comments of this blog post.
• Send an email to blogparty@yourmindyourbody.org
• Mention it to @APAHelpCenter on Twitter. Use #mhblogday as a hashtag (mental health blog day, naturally)
• Add your link to our update on APA’s Facebook page (we’ll post a status update tomorrow morning, so you can start commenting and adding links.)

We’ll be updating our blog throughout the day with your links and posts. And if you write something late on Wednesday night, that’s OK too. We’ll share it on Thursday morning.

Thanks for joining us again this year. Words can change lives — let’s see how many we can change in one day.

“I am overwhelmed…”

“I am going crazy…”

“I need a break…”

We have even gotten to the point where being stressed has become the thing-to-do. I have had people tell me that if they are not constantly busy, they feel as if they are not doing their part. We seem to be wearing our stress as a badge of honor and endurance. But at what cost? Are we any happier or more fulfilled?

In the past few decades, we have seen an increase in the number of hours Americans spend at work and away from their families, creating a struggle to find work-life balance. In comparison to other industrialized nations, generally, U.S .workers have less vacation time and take less time off — even when they have earned paid leave.

How does this affect our mental health?

First, we need to define mental health. Good mental health is not just the absence of psychological concerns. It is a resilient spirit that lifts us when we are down, helps us heal when we are hurt, that gives us inner strength when we are burdened.

Then, it’s time to ask yourself some questions to help take stock of your own mental health.

• Do you feel you have balance in your life? If the answer is no, then it might be time to assess what or who is stripping it away. Balance can only be achieved if we make a decision to work toward it. It does not happen magically nor can it be bought.

• Do you regularly engage in behaviors that are nurturing for you? Kids may not the only ones who need a “time-out.” Adults can also benefit from making time to recharge. It may take a good book, good company or a good walk.  Find what works for you and use it.

• Do you surround yourself with positive people that make you want to be a better person? Negativity can be contagious. Be aware of those individuals in your life that drain you and limit your time with them. Invite people into your life that want to better themselves and grow. It makes the journey of life much more enjoyable!

• Are you clear on your values? How you spend your resources (time, money, energy) should reflect your true priorities. By intentionally making decisions that match your values, you can experience greater happiness and authenticity in your life.

Mental health affects all aspects of our lives. When you take charge of it, you can make a big difference in how you live, love, and even how often you laugh. Today is a great time to start!

Photo by Jeff Henshaw via Flickr

Of course, I couldn’t go back and choose a different path. It was done. So, what was I to do about that guilt?

I reminded myself that mistakes happen. I am not the first person to hurt another’s feelings, and as long as I live, I will be prone to doing it again. We make mistakes.

In cognitive-behavioral therapy, such self-talk would be considered a type of “reframe” or an “alternative thought.” A recent article in the New York Times Health section gave me a more specific and apt name for such personal reminders: self-compassion.

Self-compassion should not be thought of only as a “reframe.” According to the research by its pioneer, Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is made up of three important components:

• Responding to yourself with understanding in the face of failure or pain
• Recognizing your own experience as part of the larger human experience (i.e., we all make mistakes and feel pain)
• Remaining aware of painful emotion while neither denying it nor being consumed by it.

As I read about this concept, I felt a need to be cautious. I wanted to resist the temptation to turn self-compassion into what I wanted it to be—in the way that the concept of self-esteem has resulted in confused parents, teachers, and coaches wondering what to say and not to say to children about their efforts and their errors. We miss out on the opportunity for genuine self-esteem when we dilute it to meaning simply good feelings about the self.

Similarly, if I see self-compassion simply as consolation in the face of all my failings, I am sure something will be missing. Dr. Neff explains as much on her website: Self-compassion is not self-indulgence; it doesn’t mean there is no sacrifice to be made; it does not ignore others.

Developing worthwhile traits like self-compassion takes more than the effort to read this blog post. If you want to explore self-compassion, a good resource is Dr. Neff’s website, where you can consider ways to apply it to your own life.

And that brings me back to my “foot in the mouth” experience a short time ago. In reminding myself that others sometimes make similar mistakes, it occurred to me that the people I offended might also have been in my place before. This reminder of the human experience allowed me to apologize and ask for understanding.

Self-compassion reminded me to express compassion to those I hurt by apologizing. In turn, they accepted that apology and expressed understanding back to me in return. If that’s what self-compassion leads to, then that’s a concept I want to read more about.

The ongoing recession has been tough on all Americans, but new data suggests men are especially being hit hard, both physically and psychologically. The unemployment rate for men is higher than for women, and men stay unemployed longer. Men account for 60 percent of the long-term unemployed, people who have been out of work for more than six months.

The typical long-term unemployed worker is a white man, ages 45-60, with a high school education and some college. This group is particularly hard hit because if they do end up getting a job after a long difficult search, it often means taking a substantial pay cut with fewer benefits for the family. The stress of not being able to provide for a family, among other issues, can contribute to physical and emotional difficulties for the man and his whole family.

“Charlie” (not his real name) is one of those men. He came into my office last year, encouraged by his wife of 35 years to make the visit. Charlie, 61, had worked his entire life for a parts manufacturer. Then he got laid off. 

Charlie thought he’d had done everything right. He always paid his bills and mortgage on time and saved money to send his kids to college. And then seemingly instantly, it was all gone. He would wonder why this happened to him and who was to blame? For two weeks he couldn’t eat nor sleep. Charlie, who never had been depressed before, was sitting in a psychologist’s office, profoundly ashamed and terrified.

Studies at Rutgers University found that a majority of recently unemployed workers feel traumatized and two-thirds reported feeling depressed. Job loss also affects physical health for men. One study found that men with senior-level positions were 50 percent more likely to die in the immediate aftermath of a layoff. Layoffs also lead to higher blood pressure in men.

That’s some tough and devastating news, especially for those who may feel like there is no end in sight to unemployment. But there are also some positive stories of resilience. We can learn some tips from those who are surviving in this new economy, like Charlie and his wife. 

You have to mourn the loss of your old job before you can go forward. It took Charlie several months to recognize he was never going to get another job quite like the one he had. Charlie stopped blaming himself and accepted where he was and what happened. His wife came to understand his sadness and did not push him or criticize.

Have a Plan B and C and even D. Consider a new field, relocating to a different area or even going back to school to upgrade your skills. There are often job retraining programs offered by the county or state that are free or at low cost. Charlie began taking part-time project assignments as an independent contractor.

You are NOT your job. Try to think of this time as an opportunity for new growth, rather than a defeat. Many men are starting a small business or are discovering they have some newfound skills. Charlie experienced a role reversal when his wife got two part-time jobs and he ended up being at home but he found out he actually liked cooking!

Don’t go it alone! Reach out to family and friends, join a group for laid-off workers, keep up your regular exercise and diet routine. It’s normal to be stressed at a time like this. And if you have been feeling really down in the dumps and can’t seem to function for two weeks or more, talk to your family physician. You might even benefit from some short-term counseling to help you get back on track.

Photos by Steve Rhodes (via flickr)

A recent Stress in America survey shows pretty convincingly that women bear the brunt of stress. I don’t have a hard time believing that.  As a husband and father, I have seen the balancing act my wife does daily. So, I’m inclined to ask myself, “Should I take on more stress by taking on more responsibility?” The answer is: Not exactly. How a family best deals with stress can be complex but solutions can often be found by looking to the role models around us. For me, that role model is my own father.

As we recognize Men’s Health Week and look forward to Father’s Day, it’s a good time to share some of the things I learned from Dad.

My dad did a lot for his family and he’s one of the happiest and least “stressed out” guys I’ve known. Thinking of how he approached my mom, his friends, and his five children gives me some ideas for how to reduce stress in my own life. I hope it gives you some ideas, too.

Dad has people skills to spare, but he’s never been accused of being graceful. He put his foot through the attic floor – our living room ceiling – three different times when I was growing up. He twice set off the fire alarm and sprinklers at work when he left food in the break room toaster oven. Embarrassing? Not to Dad. He knows how to laugh at himself and to enjoy the laughter of others. 

I recall years ago feeling slightly annoyed when Dad asked me to do a favor for someone he knew. I have since realized that Dad is a person who asks for things because he is so willing to give. A person like Dad sees everyone as a potential friend—someone who could receive from him one day and give to him the next. Dad is willing to give because he is grateful for what he has—and in our house—grateful to God for having it. From Dad, I have learned the value of gratitude.

Dad has been generous to my mom, too. I have never seen him compete with her for time or money. He gave his time willingly and they never separated money out as “his and hers.” The needs of the family have always come first, and I never saw him resentful of it. There is no emotion more stressful than resentment. When we don’t compete with our spouses, we all win.

Dad has never perfect, and he never expected his children to be perfect, either. He has done his work well and he contributed to his community. He played with us children. He encouraged us. And he never did those things to impress or to “keep up” with anyone else. He always worked to be a better person, not to be what someone else said he should be. Trust me, we owned a Pacer, called one the worst cars in American history.

In many ways, stress comes from various types of “mismatches” in our lives—expecting more, doing more, wanting more and not being satisfied. That’s why people who don’t have what they need (money, job security, good health, etc.) often feel so much stress. Their lives are often a “mismatch” between what they need and what they have. But for some of us, we create a good bit of our own stress. And so, to reduce stress, these are some things I try to remember and share with the people whom I have worked with:

• Laughing at yourself reduces stress. The alternative is embarrassment or even shame.
• Cooperation reduces stress, and it might just reduce the stress of those hard-working women in our lives—which should really reduce our stress!
• Expecting perfection from yourself and others increases stress. For one, you’ll always feel that “mismatch” between who you are and who you want to be. And, two, you’re sure to cause misery for those imperfect people in your life. Seeking improvement is great. Seeking perfection is a disaster.
• Gratitude reduces stress. The very idea implies a match—not a mismatch—between what I want and what I have.

And if these ideas just don’t fit your style, take deep breaths and get a lot of exercise. They’ve always been shown to reduce stress.

Photos by Brandie! and heisnofool (via flickr)