Imagine if you’d spent as much time learning to understand your emotions as you did learning to read, write and count. Unfortunately, like most of us, you likely received very little education or guidance in this area, surrendering your emotions to chance.

That often doesn’t work out too well.

Life is complicated and people are even more so. The chances are that at some point, we are faced with some difficult and emotionally challenging situations involving loss, conflict or rejection. These stresses (all too common in this ongoing economy) can often cause us to feel anxious or a bit down. If you don’t have the emotional skills to understand and manage these feelings, and this cycle goes on long enough, it can lead to feeling depressed or out of control, causing major problems in everyday life.

But here’s the really good news. Even if you weren’t blessed back in the days of the 3 Rs in school with learning how to understand and manage your emotions, it’s not too late!

Psychotherapy is a remarkably effective technique that helps you take back emotional control of your life and live better. Through the context of the therapeutic relationship, the therapist teaches you important skills for understanding and managing difficult emotions in your present life, but also helps you to retain these skills so you can apply them in future situations. Psychotherapy has the power to not only make you feel better, but to positively change the course of your life. As a practicing psychologist, I see evidence of this every day in my office.

Recently a group of psychologists produced a video for the public, which beautifully and evocatively illustrates the powers of psychotherapy. Take a look for yourself.

If you are unsure of how to find a good psychotherapist, you can start with talking to your primary care physician. (Psychotherapy is covered by most major insurance providers, as well as Medicare and Medicaid.) You can also check out the APA’s Psychologist Locator Service for a list of psychologists–doctors trained to listen and help–in your area.

Don’t leave your emotions to chance. Consider psychotherapy–take control of your emotional life now, and learn to hold on to it forever.

Photo by room_onfire (via Flickr)

We look forward to reading — and sharing — your posts tomorrow. Who knows what kind of difference it can make in educating more people and changing perceptions and views about what it means to live a healthy life.

If you’re participating in the event, be sure we know about it. Here’s how you can let us know:

• Use the blog badge code (it helps us to track links)
• Post your link in the comments of this blog post.
• Send an email to blogparty@yourmindyourbody.org
• Mention it to @APAHelpCenter on Twitter. Use #mhblogday as a hashtag (mental health blog day, naturally)
• Add your link to our update on APA’s Facebook page (we’ll post a status update tomorrow morning, so you can start commenting and adding links.)

We’ll be updating our blog throughout the day with your links and posts. And if you write something late on Wednesday night, that’s OK too. We’ll share it on Thursday morning.

Thanks for joining us again this year. Words can change lives — let’s see how many we can change in one day.

Maria and Arnold

Typically, divorce is a very contentious process, especially when there are children involved. If the couple can’t get along and solve problems during the marriage, it’s often even more difficult for them to get along and cooperate during a divorce. This is especially true when the typical divorce involves lawyers and clients fighting for “everything they can get.” In this style of divorce, there are no winners. Parents and children generally end up angry, hurt and emotionally bruised. Research shows that divorce can even affect physical health.

As a psychologist, I have seen the devastation that can occur when divorce becomes a battleground.

Fortunately there is another option: collaborative divorce, which is designed to help families divorce with a sense of dignity. Attorneys who do collaborative divorce are trained to focus on the overall well-being of the entire family.

The process uses a series of informal conferences attended by the attorneys, clients, a mental health professional (such as a psychologist), and a financial expert, when needed. An agenda is set prior to each meeting to limit the prospect of a “surprise” being raised. Clients work closely with their attorneys before the meetings so that they are familiar with the issues to be discussed and have an understanding of the law. All parties are able to review pertinent documentation prior to meetings and all negotiations are conducted openly with client participation.

The collaborative approach creates an atmosphere of open communication and cooperation that helps the couple in shaping a divorce agreement that fits the needs of their family. A psychologist or other mental health professional, a crucial part of the team, provides information on child development and family issues so that the parents can make good choices for and about their children. The team remains focused on a “win-win” solution.

Not all couples can use this process. In situations where there is abuse or domestic violence the couple may not be able to work together. However, for couples who truly love their children and can agree that they want to shape a plan that keeps the best interests of their kids at heart, I suggest that collaboration is the way to go.

Photo by DrJohnBullas (via flickr)

Of course, I couldn’t go back and choose a different path. It was done. So, what was I to do about that guilt?

I reminded myself that mistakes happen. I am not the first person to hurt another’s feelings, and as long as I live, I will be prone to doing it again. We make mistakes.

In cognitive-behavioral therapy, such self-talk would be considered a type of “reframe” or an “alternative thought.” A recent article in the New York Times Health section gave me a more specific and apt name for such personal reminders: self-compassion.

Self-compassion should not be thought of only as a “reframe.” According to the research by its pioneer, Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is made up of three important components:

• Responding to yourself with understanding in the face of failure or pain
• Recognizing your own experience as part of the larger human experience (i.e., we all make mistakes and feel pain)
• Remaining aware of painful emotion while neither denying it nor being consumed by it.

As I read about this concept, I felt a need to be cautious. I wanted to resist the temptation to turn self-compassion into what I wanted it to be—in the way that the concept of self-esteem has resulted in confused parents, teachers, and coaches wondering what to say and not to say to children about their efforts and their errors. We miss out on the opportunity for genuine self-esteem when we dilute it to meaning simply good feelings about the self.

Similarly, if I see self-compassion simply as consolation in the face of all my failings, I am sure something will be missing. Dr. Neff explains as much on her website: Self-compassion is not self-indulgence; it doesn’t mean there is no sacrifice to be made; it does not ignore others.

Developing worthwhile traits like self-compassion takes more than the effort to read this blog post. If you want to explore self-compassion, a good resource is Dr. Neff’s website, where you can consider ways to apply it to your own life.

And that brings me back to my “foot in the mouth” experience a short time ago. In reminding myself that others sometimes make similar mistakes, it occurred to me that the people I offended might also have been in my place before. This reminder of the human experience allowed me to apologize and ask for understanding.

Self-compassion reminded me to express compassion to those I hurt by apologizing. In turn, they accepted that apology and expressed understanding back to me in return. If that’s what self-compassion leads to, then that’s a concept I want to read more about.

I have heard patients and friends talk about ways to avoid being with certain relatives who they know will be rude, obnoxious, drunk, or all of the above. This can get to be a bit tricky with in-laws and step families. While we can’t choose our relatives, we can choose how and when we spend time with them and how we respond to their behaviors. 

Here are 10 quick tips to survive “relative stress“.

1. Avoid getting overwhelmed by feeling the need to visit with everyone on the same day. Setting up smaller get togethers during the holidays can help you enjoy longer periods of time with those you enjoy. And you’ll have time for shorter events such as getting together for a cocktail or coffee with relatives with whom you are less comfortable.

2. Establish new traditions. Decide what is best for you and your immediate family. Christmas Eve at one parent’s home and Christmas Day at another’s can work well and avoids the pitfalls of everyone being exhausted and overwhelmed on a single day.

3. Put your kid’s needs first after a divorce. Don’t make your kid’s responsible for making your holiday special. Help them figure out a way to enjoy time with each parent and let them know that you will be fine. If the other parent is far away and the child can’t spend Christmas Eve with one parent and Christmas Day with the other, one option is using technology to make the “visits.” If both parents have computers with web cameras, children and parent can talk and see other using a program such as Skype and share the holiday time.

4. Lay down your sword. I have been pleasantly surprised recently by a number of divorced parents  getting together and sharing a holiday meal. Perhaps this is what the holiday is really about. A cautionary note is to be careful young kids don’t think you are getting back together. And certainly don’t put yourself in an abusive situation. That doesn’t help anyone.

5. Be assertive. Don’t be afraid to leave a gathering  or put your kids down for a nap if they are starting to get tired. It is OK to take charge of your family’s needs.

6. Plan time for activities you think everyone will enjoy. Whether it’s decorating cookies or playing Yahtzee, specific activities can help give you some control over how the day goes. My adult kids often go to the movies together on Christmas afternoon. I remember long games of Monopoly with cousins over the holidays.  Remember that it’s OK if not everyone wants to participate.

7. Be flexible and let go of some control. Some of the best memories are made when things are less than perfect. How many of us have forgotten to serve a dish? I recall numerous Jell-o molds left in the fridge and discovered at the end of the meal.

8. Accept help. Working together in the kitchen, cooking or cleaning up, provides good opportunities for communication. Really listening to people may help you feel more comfortable with family members. Letting others help with serving, carving andcooking also lets them feel good while decreasing your responsibilites.

9. Look for the good. So often we focus on annoying behaviors. If we really try hard, we can often find something good about most people.

10. Volunteer. If being with  relatives proves to be just too stressful, consider volunteering at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, nursing home or other local group that can use the help and will appreciate it. Volunteering is guaranteed to make just about everyone feel good!

Photos by gareandkitty via flickr

Have questions about holiday stress? Join the American Psychological Association and psychologist Dr. Katherine Nordal for a Q&A on Facebook Tuesday, Dec. 14 from 2-3 p.m. EST. We’ll be answering questions, sharing tips and discussion ways to cope with holiday pressures while staying healthy. More info here.