Your Mind Your Body

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. For me, it is all about being with friends and family…and of course, the food.  I love watching the Food Network and finding one new recipe to try to add to the family favorites. If one spent their whole time watching all the wonderful meals being prepared by the chefs on the cooking shows, they might forget that while this holiday is particularly special for many people, for some, it means obligatory and often difficult family time with relatives they don’t like. Having to spend time with an uncle who always gets drunk, the brother who molested you and made certain you never told or the parent that consistently puts you down can lead to terrible feelings of anxiety.

Anxiety increases when we feel out of control.  The discomfort of not knowing what might happen or what might be said can make many individuals dislike or even hate the holiday season. But, we have choices.

We can, as adults, decide where and with whom we want to spend our time and holidays. We can also decide how much time we spend at “obligatory” family gatherings. It is amazing how much more powerful people can feel if they take charge of situations and set limits to increase their sense of safety and comfort.

I do know that this may sound a lot easier than it is. That’s because we have to get over our need to try to make everyone else happy. I often hear statements such as, “I could never tell my parents what my brother did to me. It would hurt them too much. So I will just spend the holiday with them all and suck it up.”

Here are a few suggestions for those of you ( and really…it is a lot more people than you may think) who are worried about  or pretty much know what will happen when you get together with your family on Thanksgiving.

• Limit your time with the relatives you dread. Leave early or come late and spend the bulk of your day volunteering to serve meals at a soup kitchen.
• Involve family members in a fun game. Board games, charades or exercising with games such as Wii can take away the tension of “family discussions.”
• Have a game plan. Prepare a signal with your spouse that will indicate that you either need his/her help in a situation or you need to leave quickly.
• Avoid hot topics. If people get into heated debates about food, politics or anything else that makes you uncomfortable, get up and go do something else. Get involved playing with the younger kids, doing the dishes or taking the dog out for a walk. At the very least you can excuse yourself and make a trip to the bathroom.
• Let your family know ahead of time that you promised your friends you would join them for part of the day.
• Consider what Thanksgiving means to you. For what are you thankful? To whom do you want to give? Think about how you would like to show that. If your friends are all busy and unable to be with you, consider “adopting” a family and providing them with a holiday meal.  Many churches, synagogues or community agencies can connect you with a family that could use some help. Giving to others really does make us feel thankful.
• Remember, it is okay to take care of and protect yourself.
• Plan to be away for the holiday. Go someplace with a good friend, your spouse and or your kids and start a new tradition. You can go out of town or to the movies. But if you are spending time with people you love and with whom you feel safe, you will be participating in the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

I hope everyone takes a moment on this holiday to think about what they can and cannot control. Make an action plan for what you can do and let go of what you can’t. I would love to hear ideas that you have come up with to make this a happy and safe day for you. Have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving!

Photo by ian_crowther

Filed under: Lifestyle & Behaviors, Stress, Women