Your Mind Your Body

A recent Stress in America survey shows pretty convincingly that women bear the brunt of stress. I don’t have a hard time believing that.  As a husband and father, I have seen the balancing act my wife does daily. So, I’m inclined to ask myself, “Should I take on more stress by taking on more responsibility?” The answer is: Not exactly. How a family best deals with stress can be complex but solutions can often be found by looking to the role models around us. For me, that role model is my own father.

As we recognize Men’s Health Week and look forward to Father’s Day, it’s a good time to share some of the things I learned from Dad.

My dad did a lot for his family and he’s one of the happiest and least “stressed out” guys I’ve known. Thinking of how he approached my mom, his friends, and his five children gives me some ideas for how to reduce stress in my own life. I hope it gives you some ideas, too.

Dad has people skills to spare, but he’s never been accused of being graceful. He put his foot through the attic floor – our living room ceiling – three different times when I was growing up. He twice set off the fire alarm and sprinklers at work when he left food in the break room toaster oven. Embarrassing? Not to Dad. He knows how to laugh at himself and to enjoy the laughter of others. 

I recall years ago feeling slightly annoyed when Dad asked me to do a favor for someone he knew. I have since realized that Dad is a person who asks for things because he is so willing to give. A person like Dad sees everyone as a potential friend—someone who could receive from him one day and give to him the next. Dad is willing to give because he is grateful for what he has—and in our house—grateful to God for having it. From Dad, I have learned the value of gratitude.

Dad has been generous to my mom, too. I have never seen him compete with her for time or money. He gave his time willingly and they never separated money out as “his and hers.” The needs of the family have always come first, and I never saw him resentful of it. There is no emotion more stressful than resentment. When we don’t compete with our spouses, we all win.

Dad has never perfect, and he never expected his children to be perfect, either. He has done his work well and he contributed to his community. He played with us children. He encouraged us. And he never did those things to impress or to “keep up” with anyone else. He always worked to be a better person, not to be what someone else said he should be. Trust me, we owned a Pacer, called one the worst cars in American history.

In many ways, stress comes from various types of “mismatches” in our lives—expecting more, doing more, wanting more and not being satisfied. That’s why people who don’t have what they need (money, job security, good health, etc.) often feel so much stress. Their lives are often a “mismatch” between what they need and what they have. But for some of us, we create a good bit of our own stress. And so, to reduce stress, these are some things I try to remember and share with the people whom I have worked with:

• Laughing at yourself reduces stress. The alternative is embarrassment or even shame.
• Cooperation reduces stress, and it might just reduce the stress of those hard-working women in our lives—which should really reduce our stress!
• Expecting perfection from yourself and others increases stress. For one, you’ll always feel that “mismatch” between who you are and who you want to be. And, two, you’re sure to cause misery for those imperfect people in your life. Seeking improvement is great. Seeking perfection is a disaster.
• Gratitude reduces stress. The very idea implies a match—not a mismatch—between what I want and what I have.

And if these ideas just don’t fit your style, take deep breaths and get a lot of exercise. They’ve always been shown to reduce stress.

Photos by Brandie! and heisnofool (via flickr)

Filed under: Lifestyle & Behaviors, Parenting, Stress